School Ties
by Egyptian Princess
Summary: It was clear to Van Fanel and the rest of the senior class that at the beginning of the term, Hitomi Kanzaki was not the same girl that she had been three years previously. Hitomi was not the same girl he had fallen in love with in their freshman year.
1. Part One

School Ties

Part One

Atlantis University, founded by the world-famous philanthropist, Lord Draco Isaac Escaflowne, was the most prestigious school within a thousand miles of any major city in Gaea. Anyone who attended did so based on academic achievement and family ties. In other words, Atlantis University was Ivy League. Hitomi Kanzaki and most of her friends were fairly well off, some of them even being of royal lineage. This didn't make them any more special, but it did help when it came to tuition. If anyone couldn't afford to make it in based on academic excellence the admissions officers were ripe for an offer that would make their tiny, drafty homes a little warmer when the cold winds of the mountains blew.

The building itself, a primeval, immense castle was donated by Lord Escaflowne as well as the grounds upon which future structures were fabricated. Lord Escaflowne spared no expense in his dream of a globally-recognized university where the best and brightest would gather in order to learn from the masters. Every subject possible was taught at the university by the most experienced leaders in their respective fields. This often meant that the professors were elderly and old-fashioned, as most fondly called it. Rules were to be strictly adhered to in order to maintain tradition and 'proper university culture'.

Tradition. Excellence. Success. Application in Achievement.

_Dragons may leave the nest but they will always remember their younger days. Atlantis will forever be a color in the rainbow of your life. Move across the bow into a greater destiny; its foundation is this education. Remember us, though you move on to bigger worlds and greater responsibilities. Remember: You are always welcome home. _

_______________

It was clear to Van Fanel and the rest of the senior class that at the beginning of the term, Hitomi Kanzaki was not the same girl that she had been three years previously. Van had noticed subtle changes over the last year as she became more withdrawn and serious. Though she smiled for her friends and professors, Hitomi was not the same girl he had fallen in love with during their freshman year. By the third week of the term Van knew that Hitomi was determined to be at the top of their graduating class.

Hitomi took to staying in the common-room until two in the morning and sleeping between classes. If he listened closely he could hear her mumble 'One day at a time' to herself, over and over through gritted teeth. She nibbled food when she needed strength for studying or while on a rare break from studying, but she wasn't taking care of herself that was for sure. She was growing thinner and paler by the day and yet she insisted on her daily run around the grounds. She often looked exhausted and though her grades were perfect, she still wasn't satisfied.

This was why her best friend, Yukari Uchida convinced Van to talk some sense into Hitomi late one night when the leaves were beginning to lose their color and the rain kept most people snuggled in their beds. "Hitomi, can I talk to you," Van asked calmly, approaching her book-strewn table in the common-room and sitting down in the cushy chair.

Hitomi barely glanced up from the thick book she was holding with tense arms.

"Well," she sighed heavily, "just for a minute. I have an exam coming up in two weeks. I need to be prepared, what with my history paper being due before the mid-break."

Her head was foggy and the words jumbled around in her head until they became new words that she was sure only she had ever thought of. Her eyes really needed a break from the small print. She leaned back in her chair for a moment, still on her guard, and fiddled with the sleeves of her blouse, her tie thrown casually on the floor behind her chair. Hitomi was one of the few who barely wore anything but her school uniform, which made Van wonder how they didn't end up wandering around naked during the week when their uniforms were dirty. He didn't really mind wondering about such things.

Van was a little annoyed with her tone but knew that she was under a lot of stress and prone to a little release in steam. "Hitomi," he started, looking straight at her so that she would know how serious he was, "everyone is worried about you. Yukari, Millerna, Allen, even Dilandau. We don't want you to get sick or hurt yourself. You're not well," he said, reaching over the table and holding her hand. "You barely eat, sleep, or relax. All you do is study. While it's all well and good for you to study," he hurried on, seeing that she was about to protest, "you really do too much of it. All you do is study and go to class." Van looked at the floor for a moment and said, much more quietly, "We never see you anymore…I never get to take a simple walk with you."

Hitomi fiddled nervously with the chain of her pendant. She had the bad habit of leaving it places and had to cherish the moments when it was in her possession, though she was sure the entire school knew where to return it by now. It unnerved her that Van was talking about this with her. It had to be serious if he was _this_ concerned. Van hadn't taken a deep interest in her affairs for about a year now. Who could blame him, though? He had enough to worry about.

"I miss talking with you. And we can't even convince you to enjoy the usual weekend festivities any more. Won't you come with us tomorrow?"

"I'm sorry, Van, it's just that I'm really focused on my studies now. I can't begin to tell you how important they are right now. Some people may be happy with just getting by but I'm not anymore. I may have been the typical university student a few years ago, but that was before everything changed. Those weekend soirees are just an unnecessary deterrent that makes its attendees regret it the next day."

"All work and no play makes Hitomi a very dull little girl," Dryden commented coming in, a little wobbly, through the door.

Van sighed. Dryden had the worst timing ever. But he didn't want to get into an argument with Hitomi. Maybe Dryden could lighten the situation a little.

"What is this, some kind of intervention? I'm doing just fine, guys," Hitomi said indignantly, folding her arms and sticking her nose in the air.

"If this were an intervention we'd have the gang 'round the table here making gooey eyes and saying 'We love you Hitomi, we want what's best for you' and so forth. But in all seriousness, Hitomi," Dryden said, his hand on her chair, "We really _are_ worried about you. What do you weigh now," he said, surprising her by scooping her up in his arms and lifting her up and down like a paper plate. "You can't be more than one hundred pounds. At your height and age this really is unhealthy."

"Put me _down_, Dryden," Hitomi glared at him, her emerald eyes flashing.

"Dryden," Van said quietly.

He put her back in her chair.

Hitomi smoothed her uniform and began to gather her books. "Look, guys, I really appreciate your concern but I'm doing just fine. When I pass out in class you can worry about me, but for now I'm okay. Goodnight," she said curtly with a nod of her head. She slung her backpack over her shoulders with a little effort and trudged up the stairs.

"Buck up and tell her one of these days, man! It's as plain as day," Dryden said encouragingly to Van. "She'll never notice at this rate."

"If she's going to be this anal about her studies I rather _not_ be the one to throw a wrench in the works, thank you," Van muttered, rubbing his tired eyes.

Dryden leaned against the full-length windows and sighed. "You two. You always miss each other when the time is right." He folded his arms and looked out into the dark rain-splashed grounds.

"You're one to talk. What about you and Millerna?"

"That's different," Dryden said, almost defensively. "She's not sure who she cares for more, Allen or my gorgeous self."

"Too many nights with other women…both of you are bigger fools than I."

"At least I haven't _done_ anything with any of them. Allen, on the other hand had a pretty big scare there with Eris a year ago. Poor fellow. Even Dilandau and Serena fiddle about every once and a while, though I'm sure Allen would be horrified to know what his little sister is up to. Pyros," Dryden snorted. "And anyway, you'd never have the courage to do anything with a woman once you got her," he said with a wink.

"Oh, shut up," Van grumbled, getting up and moving toward the stairs.

"Here. You'd better give it back to her tomorrow morning or we'll never have any peace," Dryden said, tossing Van the notorious pink pendant.

"You coming to bed," Van questioned his roommate.

"In an hour or so. I've got some studying to do," he said, patting his pancake-flat stomach. "I've got to lose a little weight."

"That's not funny," Van glared. "'Night."

"Sweet dreams, 'ole pal."

Van trudged up the stone steps thinking over his conversation with Hitomi. She really hadn't said anything new except that things had changed. What had changed so drastically that she couldn't even sleep? She loved to sleep in and have a late breakfast on the weekends. Now their brunches were almost non-existent, unless you counted her munching on a piece of toast while reading a book across the table from him. Something he didn't understand had changed in her life and she didn't trust him enough to tell him what it was.

He lay upon his bed in a dazed state, trying to think of ways to get 'round to Hitomi without offending her. She was so easily offended these days… If he could go back to the day when she started morphing into the starving, half-alive creature that she was, he would. She was making so many mistakes without seeing them. If only…

Van was still staring into space when Dryden flicked on the light and shook his head. "Go to sleep, mate. Or I'll be the one giving this speech pretty soon."

Van threw a pillow at him and drew the curtains around his bed.

______________________

"Of all the nerve! Telling me that I'm destroying myself," Hitomi growled, storming around her room and ranting to her roommates, Millerna Aston and Yukari. She threw her clothes in the laundry bin and tossed on a shirt and shorts. "After what he did to himself when Folken disappeared… Telling me I'm losing sleep. Of all the _nerve_!"

"Hitomi, it's a completely different situation," Millerna said gently, sitting cross-legged on her extremely pink bed.

"You agree with them, don't you," Hitomi accused. "And you, Yukari?"

Yukari leaned over the top bunk and grimaced. "Um…I actually asked Van to talk to you tonight, Hitomi."

"What?!"

"We knew you wouldn't listen to us, dearest. And Van is such a close friend of yours. I really think he knows you better than we do."

Hitomi blushed hotly. "Fine. I'll go to sleep now if that's what you want. Good night!" Hitomi slid under her blue sheets with a huff and, more quickly than she would have liked, fell into a deep slumber.

Yukari and Millerna sighed and shook their heads, weakly smiling at each other. Their friend was going to kill herself one day and her shade would keep right on studying.

The truth was no one was quite sure what she was studying so hard for. Even Hitomi, who had declared her double major and minor in several different subjects, had not mentioned her ambitious dreams recently. It was thought by the majority of her peers that she wanted to research ancient history in order to understand the reasons behind the downfall of Atlantis itself. This however, involved a great deal of theory, which was mind-numbing to say the least. And Hitomi was more determined than ever. Nothing could make her stop. Not even the idea of a romantic relationship with the one person she loved more than anyone. It was like she wasn't even a girl anymore…just a robot with human needs. Even _those_ went unrecognized most times…

____________________________

"Here. You left this in the common room last night," Van said, placing the necklace gently in Hitomi's hands early the next morning. They were almost bonier than his grandmother's. He _almost_ _wasn't_ exaggerating.

"Oh. Thank you. I didn't realize it was missing."

"You rarely do," he said, smirking.

Hitomi, still miffed about the previous night, gave him the glare of death.

"You're in a right mood."

"I wonder why? Could it be because all of my friends think I'm an idiot and feel the need to protect me from myself? I'm not stupid, Van," she bit out. "I'm quite capable of taking care of myself."

"Okay, okay," he said, backing off. "Where are you going today?"

"I thought I'd run a little down by the lake."

"Going into the woods?"

"Perhaps. Depends on the mud."

"Be careful."

Hitomi turned without a reply and disappeared through the wooden door. Van sighed. Something _had_ to happen soon. She was driving him crazy.

________________________

Hitomi crouched low to the ground and focused herself. She looked up when the imaginary referee signaled and took off when he fired the pistol. The wind rushed over every part of her, thin and wispy. It penetrated every inch of her, leaving her feeling naked in the daylight. The muddy ground did not stop her though, squelching around her cleats and bubbling in her wake. She tried to clear her mind as she rounded the corner of the old gatekeeper's small house but it wouldn't do. Guilt pricked her eyes and she squinted. _All they wanted to do was keep her safe_, she reminded herself. And what did she do? Bit their heads off like a rabid yox.

She continued past the ancient willow and straight into her ray-filled sanctuary, the Mystic Woods. Or so that was what everyone called it. It was supposedly haunted in the old days, back when Lord Escaflowne first founded the institution. It was an old wood—the creaky trees and dark, misty hours spent among them made the intruder feel ancient among their wise, all-seeing bows. Haunted. What could possibly _want_ to haunt a wooded area? There had been some mention of the ancient draconians leaving behind their ghostly reminders of the horrible fate they had suffered but it had never been proven. Who could ever prove a ghost existed without the whole world seeing it with their very eyes? Even then people would doubt.

Doubt. Doubt filled every corner of her mind these days. Nothing she did ever felt right. She was searching for her path in the world and, thinking she had found it, discovered it not to be what she had expected. But she couldn't let everyone down! Not after all the work she had done! The look of disappointment would haunt her for the rest of her life.

_Wasn't she disappointing them already with her lack of care about her own well-being_, a little voice in her head questioned. Hitomi pushed that thought aside as she slowed and eventually stopped to rest under a giant oak tree. She wiped her eyes of the tears she hadn't known to exist and breathed deeply. Wrapping her arms around her legs, she put her cheek against her knees and sighed, a small sob clutched in her throat. _When_ had she forgotten how to care? When did she become an emotionless robot? Nothing seemed worth attaining at the moment. There was nothing for her to believe in if she couldn't believe in herself. Which she didn't. Not anymore. Not for a year. The emptiest year of her life.

_____________________

"What did you do, _roll_ in the mud," Millerna complained, putting a few towels on the carpet so that Hitomi wouldn't track mud on her precious Palasian treasure.

"It's not my fault it started raining again," Hitomi mumbled.

"So, ya coming with us this evening to Amano's pub birthday party," Yukari asked, excitedly bouncing on her bed.

"I hadn't thought about it really. I don't fancy watching him get twenty-three long, wet birthday kisses from you all night."

"Aww come on. Besides, it won't take all night. And you'll be too busy admiring all the pretty lights and getting knockered if you know what's good for you."

"Come on, Hitomi. It will do you some good to get out of the building," Millerna coaxed, patting Hitomi's hair with a dry towel. "You don't even have to drink if you don't want to."

"Well…I suppose I could stay for a little while," Hitomi slowly assented. "But only because it's Amano's birthday."

"'Ata girl!"

"By the way Hitomi, do you know if Van's going to be playing football this year?"

"He mentioned over the summer that he made the team again. I haven't heard anything since," she mumbled, rummaging around her closet for a sweater.

"We'll have to go see his first match. It's bound to be against Dragonslayer. They've got some good players this year, I've heard."

Hitomi shrugged. Truth be told, she loved watching Van on the field. He moved so gracefully but with a barely restrained power. Sometimes he looked as though he wanted to leap off of the field and fly into the air. He handled the ball with nimble and precise feet, always keeping his eyes on the goal, however, returning to her at the end of the day.

No one but she knew how much he desired to fly away and discover the world on his own. And yet he continued to return each year and study his way to a degree. It was mainly to please his parents. He was, after all, the next in line to inherit his family legacy. They had governed the country of Fanelia for centuries, the line never having been broken. And Van wasn't one to disappoint his parents. His brother had taken on that role. Van was the one to uphold his family's honor.

Van was acting like an overprotective older brother these days though and it annoyed her. Where was the best-boy-friend she had known for so long? _Probably hiding from her attitude_, she thought bitterly. There was that twinge of guilt again. She had brought this all upon herself and didn't know how to get out.

"What are you going to wear? It's really cold tonight," Yukari mentioned offhand, interrupting her thoughts.

The pub was crowded with old friends and close acquaintances with little room left for seating. The air smelled of smoke and spices, the fire blazing in the center of the room while the bartenders lit scented candles around the perimeter. The barmaids wandered around the room with large trays filled with pints of beer and avoided the bottom-pinchers on their way back to the bar. The wind howled as new guests entered and it whistled as the door was slammed shut to keep out the cold.

Everyone turned when the three ladies entered the bar, raising their mugs and giving a loud cheer. Several people who had known Hitomi well in previous years, grinning ear-to-ear, ran up to her, clapped her on the back and congratulated her for venturing out into the world again. Hitomi blushed a little but began to sink comfortably into the amicable atmosphere. She sat down in one of the few available seats and observed all of her old friends laughing and joking about the things she once had cared for.

She had only been lost in her memories for a few moments when a plate heaped with tempting food appeared in front of her.

"The gentleman at the bar said you looked hungry, miss," a barmaid explained. "He said that it was on him."

Hitomi gave a tight smile to the barmaid, not needing to look at who the aforementioned gentleman was. She stared, a little petulantly at her food with her hands in her lap, but finally decided to enjoy the meal. It had been a while since she took the time to eat a well-rounded, decent meal. Slow bite by slow bite, she savored the flavors and textures that flooded her mouth and her tongue. Food like this had to be sinful. Or perhaps she had forgotten what food was over the last year.

She was somewhat rudely interrupted when Yukari dragged Amano over to the table and started bothering her to give Amano his birthday kiss. Yukari then quickly flitted away to find Millerna so that she could fulfill _her_ birthday duty, her auburn hair floating gracefully behind her.

Hitomi rolled her eyes. Amano, the ever-faithful boyfriend, didn't seem too comfortable about it either. His father had agreed to pay for the party, considering that after he graduated that year he would be joining him in the family business. Everyone but Yukari knew that Amano would be proposing to her over the holiday break. It just made the birthday-kisses even more awkward. But Yukari didn't seem to mind. It meant nothing to her. Just a formality.

"Hi, Amano," she greeted him warmly. "Happy Birthday."

"Thanks, Hitomi. Y-You don't really think that the birthday kiss is necessary, do you? It's just that Yukari insists. I've already had seven this evening." Amano was scratching behind his ear and blushing a little. Or was it the proximity to the fire that made him overheated? He was wearing a turtleneck and some corduroy pants. He looked rather warm.

"It's up to you, birthday boy." She stood up and moved next to him. Shaking his hand lightly she pecked him on the cheek and smiled. "That's about as far as I'm willing to go right now. At least in public." She winked. "If Yukari asks, just say that she missed it." Hitomi scooted away, mixing into the crowd and finding someone she hadn't seen in a while to be friendly with.

It had been a while since she actively socialized with anyone. Keeping the conversation alive proved to be a difficult task, especially when someone asked, 'What have you been doing all this time'. The only answer she could give was 'Study', and that didn't lead anywhere. They would give her a small smile, pat her on the back, and say, 'Keep it up. But don't kill yourself.' She, in turn, would give a false laugh and excuse herself.

As she walked back to the bar to get a drink she came across a very sullen Allen Schezar. He sat glaring at nothing in particular without seeing her for several moments. Hitomi waved her hand in front of his face and smiled lightly, "Hey, Allen. I haven't seen you all semester. How are you?"

"Hi, Hitomi. I've been around. How are you?"

"Let's not discuss that right now, okay? So," she said, seating herself across from him, "Know what you're going to do after you graduate?"

"Probably end up chasing Serena around the country to keep her away from Dilandau. That girl has no sense of propriety when it comes to him. I think he's a bad influence on her."

"Well you're not going to stop her now. She's headstrong and heart-sure. She'll do what she wants whether you like it or not."

"I know," he groaned, his face in his hands. "I just wish that she wouldn't do it so publicly."

Hitomi smiled sadly. Allen was constantly worried about his family's honor. Which was not a small issue a year ago when he and Eris, Millerna's older sister, had a pregnancy scare. Allen was a gentleman, but Hitomi couldn't believe that Millerna still fancied him. It really was a silly crush but Millerna was just a little frightened of facing her real option in Dryden.

And speaking of Dryden, Hitomi saw him watching as Millerna gave Amano his kiss. Dryden was lit up by the fire and actually looked a little demonic with his gaze. He turned away and began to mercilessly tease the barmaids who passed. They knew better though, as Dryden frequently visited the pub, and left him to his conscience.

"I'd better move on, Allen. Come say hello once and a while."

"You too," he said with a genuine smile.

Hitomi wandered around for about an hour, consciously avoiding the bar-stool next to Van. She decided that she had had enough of the heat and noise and got ready to go. Millerna and Yukari pleaded with her to stay but to no avail. "I've got to get some reading done," she said, excusing herself and putting on her coat. She forced the door open and walked outside. The night was filled with stars and the majestic pines swayed eerily in the wind. Hitomi gave a satisfied sigh and started to walk away from the jovial pub when she heard someone clear their throat. She turned and saw Van leaning against the building wall, watching her.

"I didn't realize you had gone out."

"Going back?"

"Yeah."

"Come on. I'll walk with you," Van said, taking his place at her side.

Hitomi looked away shyly, much to her displeasure. She felt the warmth of his hand when he slipped it into hers as they walked up the hillside and she smiled a private smile in the irregular-dark. She glanced at him sideways and winked at herself in her mind. Van's long, black, regularly-tousled hair was being whipped around his face with the wind and his cheeks were ruddy in the lamplight. His features had sharpened over time, his jaw strong and his brow more serious. He towered over her, a cool foot taller than she; quite a feat considering that she was the tallest girl in the school. She noticed for the first time just how muscular he had gotten; she could see them twitching with every movement under his jacket.

"It's pretty cold tonight, huh?"

"Yeah. My ears are almost frozen in this wind. … What were you doing standing out here in the cold?"

"Thinking."

Van gave no other answer and Hitomi wondered if he was angry with her. "Look, Van…I'm sorry about my attitude last night." They were reaching the top of the hill and thus the castle grounds. "It was wrong of me to be so hostile to you and Dryden."

"Listen, Hitomi," he said, sighing. "I'm not angry with you. I'm worried and frustrated, but I'm not angry." They stopped for a moment near the gatekeeper's little hut. The little light from inside illuminated her from behind, making Van catch his breath. Her toffee-colored hair sparkled in the light and her delicate frame seemed more womanly than ever despite its present lack of substance. His eyes softened as he took her other hand in his. "In fact…I'm proud of you."

Hitomi didn't know what to say. No one had ever told her they were proud of her. She wanted them to, yearned to hear it, but no one ever had. "Thank you…Van. That means a lot to me."

Van squeezed her hands and inched forward a little. His heart was hammering but he knew that he had no courage to do what he _really_ wanted. He leaned in and kissed her cheek, his hair brushing softly against her face.

Hitomi blushed furiously. The light in the cabin flickered then spilled upon the ground when the gatekeeper threw open the door. "Oh, clear off already! Don't you have some studying to do? Deviants. Go on, shoo!" Hitomi and Van burst out laughing and ran hand-in-hand up to the castle doors.

______________________________

The following weeks noticed the weather turning consistently colder and fewer students roaming the castle grounds. Only Hitomi made her daily run over her regular haunts, building up her muscle strength and limber legs. Van could also be seen training his sculpted legs over the hilly terrain. The leaves had deserted the trees for the sanctuary of the cold ground where they were easily trampled underfoot, making the satisfactory 'crunch' as they perished.

It was suddenly the week before the mid-term break, tenth moon, 07. Hitomi was frantically writing and studying for exams late into the night. Dilandau wandered in late in the evening and, after starting a fire in the fireplace, convinced her to go to bed early so that she would perform well on her exams. The days rolled by, students anxiously wringing their hands and banging their heads on books but the last exam was finally finished with a flourish of a pen. They had earned a week of freedom before the second push to the end.

"Just imagine," Hitomi groused, "we only have to do this once more in the spring."

"Yes, but never again afterward," Van smiled, happy to have a moment with Hitomi to himself. They were seated on a fallen tree in the Mystic Woods admiring the peace and quiet it afforded. He was delighted beyond belief that she agreed to spend the day with him. Their roommates were already going home for the week and Allen had taken over the common-room in order to give Dilandau a 'manly talk', as he put it. "Hitomi, I have something I want…to ask you."

Hitomi gave him her full attention.

"Will you come home with me for the week and stay with my family?"

"I'd love to visit Fanelia again," Hitomi replied, thrilled. "We could explore the forests for dragon babies again!"

"I think it was a mistake to do it the last time," Van chuckled.

"It wasn't my fault you tripped on a tree and woke the mother," she teased. "But I have one condition."

"What," Van said, eyebrow raised.

"I have to bring my books. I have my term paper due before the winter holiday and I really need to work on it."

"But that's six weeks away, not including this one!" He would never spend any time with her at this rate.

"Yes, but I'm already behind."

"I doubt that," he grumbled. "I didn't ask you to come with me so you could study the entire time." After a moment or two he suggested, "How about you get two hours a day to work on your paper and then spend the rest of the time with my family and I."

Hitomi mulled it over briefly, calculating the amount of work she could get done and agreed.

"It's done then."

"When did you want to leave?"

"Any time you're ready," Van offered.

"Well, I suppose we shouldn't interrupt Allen and Dilandau in the common-room for a while. I can be ready around sunset."

"Then we leave for Fanelia tonight." Taking her hands, they stood and sauntered back to the castle, avoiding the cranky gatekeeper at all costs.

___________________________________

Van felt rather giddy after the long ride in spite of himself. Hitomi had slept on his shoulder throughout most of the night and early morning. She blinked her eyes dreamily when she woke, adjusting her eyes to the morning sun. Seeing that Van was awake she asked, "How much longer is it?"

"Not long. Just a few more miles. The driver stopped two hours ago and got fresh horses at The Owl. We should be there within twenty minutes."

"Oh, good. I can't wait to see your mother again. She's such a sweet woman," Hitomi gushed.

"Er, yeah," Van mumbled, scratching his head. It's not that he didn't love his mother, quite the contrary, but Hitomi didn't know her the way he did. She didn't know what they'd been through as a family since Folken disappeared. They'd found his body in the forests of Fanelia two weeks after he disappeared, when the sun decided to show its cowardly face again. His mother had cried for weeks, though she put on a brave face around Van. His father had stoically carried on with work, though without his usual jovial manner. The entire country had mourned for months. Folken was much loved and sorely missed.

"Van?"

Van shook himself and looked at Hitomi. Her eyes were wavering with concern and her hand was on his.

"Nothing. Here," he said, fishing something out of his pocket. "You left it on the trunks this time."

"I should have it welded onto me," Hitomi grumbled.

Van reached around and tied the necklace around to her slim neck. Hitomi resisted the urge to shiver at his touch. Van lingered a moment after the clasp was shut, his eyes shut. The carriage suddenly jerked to a halt, pushing him forward onto her. His hand on the wall steadied his body, but his other hand was firmly pressed on Hitomi's hip. She was looking up at him, embarrassed. He hadn't moved yet.

…

"Your highness?"

_Damn_.

Van moved, pulling Hitomi up with him. No one called him 'highness' unless he was in Fanelia. Hitomi giggled, thinking the title a little silly. But she knew that Van took his role as prince regent very seriously so she didn't do it for long.

They stepped out of the carriage and into the courtyard in the middle of the castle. Van's mother rushed forward to greet them, embracing Hitomi warmly.

"Child, what _have_ you been doing to yourself at school? You're so _thin_!"

"Hitomi's been studying very hard these last few years, mother," Van said, defending her. He may have said what he liked to Hitomi's face but when it came to others he was very protective of her.

"Van, dear, you don't need to protect her from me. Hitomi your eyes are as lovely as ever. You must be the envy of every girl at school."

"Dear, I'm sure Hitomi doesn't need to be reminded of all the hearts she's breaking," Van's father said winking, coming to take his wife's arm.

Van rolled his eyes.

They all walked into the dining hall to have a late breakfast; the kind of breakfasts Hitomi liked especially because they were filled with laughter and good conversation. Van's parents were eternally generous and kind, especially to her. She suspected it was because they only had two boys. Had she known the real reason, she never would have agreed to the trip. The queen continued pushing food toward Hitomi and refilling her glass with a warm smile.

Van on the other hand was sitting in his chair like a child who had gotten a hold of his favorite candy; he had cornered Hitomi into a healthy week of sleep, food, and as much relaxation as she could stomach. Van grinned like a cat that had swallowed the sun, or rather Dilandau when he got a hold of a flame…

Hitomi looked about to spew after a little while so queen Varie took her to her room. It was the same one from three years before. The sunlight peaked in through the curtained balcony onto the large, comfortable bed. There was a desk in the corner of the room along with two comfortable chairs by the fireplace. It still smelled of ginger. The bed beckoned after a long night's carriage ride. Van's mother smiled knowingly and said, "We'll have someone call you in a few hours. Get some sleep, Hitomi, dear. You look like you could use it."

Hitomi could have sworn that the queen she had been taking lessons from her son, but she smiled and thanked her. Breathing deeply she reveled momentarily in memories and dreams. She didn't even bother to change her clothes or get under the sheets. Climbing up the dias and curling up in the sunlight like a contented cat, Hitomi was fast asleep in minutes.

The sun climbed higher and higher into the sky, the castle basking in the glow of late morning.

In another, aspiring to be quieter part of the palace Van was being, for lack of a better word, interrogated by his parents. After about twenty minutes of inquiry about school work and his friends they moved stealthfully into 'Hitomi territory'.

"Do you know what Hitomi's plans are once she graduates," Goau asked casually.

"No, I do not. I don't think even _she_ knows anymore."

"Why is that, my dear?"

"I don't know. I just have a feeling that she's lost."

"Well, you must help her find the road again."

"Van, when are you going to bring her home permanently, m'boy? You aren't getting any younger. And by the looks of things she's not getting any better."

"Better than what, father?" _Not getting any younger... Are you trying to make me feel old, father? I'm younger than you were when you were married, anyway._

"Better than last time. She's got the same look in her eyes as she did that summer three years ago. Trust me, son. I know the look in her eyes—it comes from wanting approval and acceptance."

"Father, I--"

"Dearest," his mother began, striding around the chair and looking into his crimson eyes. "We only want to see you happy. And we know that Hitomi, dear girl, makes you happy. But you must convince her to eat more, darling. She's as skinny as a bean pole."

"I'm working on it, mother," he mumbled. "Is this what you wanted to talk to me about? Me marrying Hitomi? I don't think she's ready to get married just yet and I'm not the kind of person to force her into doing something she doesn't want to do. Besides, I don't think she cares for me…the way I care for her. And it's none of your business anyway!" His temper had flared at their nosey questions and assumptions. "Just let me do things the way I choose to," he growled, leaving the room and slamming the door.

Van's parents smiled sadly. Their little boy really was blind. Or perhaps Hitomi hadn't given him any encouragement. Well_, they'd just see about that_, Varie thought.

Van stormed back into the vaulted room and shouted, "And if you're planning on talking with Hitomi you can just forget it! She's spending the day with me and that's final! And the _rest_ of the week _too_!" Then he was gone.

_Yes!_

Van stormed up the stairs with a driving purpose. He and Hitomi were going to enjoy the day and that was that. His parents could get him riled up so easily it was no longer even funny. He almost considered running away with her to Torushina for the week if only to escape the nuptial urgings of his parents. For crying out loud, they were only twenty-two! He knocked on the solid mahogany door to Hitomi's room and waited a moment. Nothing stirred. He opened the door and peeked inside.

Hitomi lay sprawled out on her bed, the sheer curtains on the posts fluttering gently in the breeze that flowed through the open balcony. The fire combated the chilling temperature of late autumn making the room a pleasant temperature for a nap. Van walked slowly over to the bed and placed a hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her. He felt a little badly about waking her from a peaceful slumber but he just had to get out of the palace.

Hitomi jerked awake, her eyes fixed immediately upon Van's. They were gentle and kind. Her stomach clenched and, for a brief moment, she thought she was still dreaming. "Van?" Finding her wit she asked, "Do you make a habit of bursting into ladies bedrooms while at home?"

"Of course not," he said flustered, letting go of her and standing. "Hitomi, I've got to get out of this place! Will you take a walk with me?"

Hitomi was a little startled. He wasn't usually this belligerent. He was always very careful with his emotions, letting her know only what was necessary at the time. "I suppose I could. Right now?"

"Yes, will you hurry? Oh, never mind! Just throw on your shoes and let's go."

Hitomi barely had a moment to prepare herself before he grabbed her hand and flew down the hall with her. Out the doors they ran and through the crowded streets of Fanelia. Varie smiled, almost grinned, as she saw the two fleeing down the halls of the palace. _There_ was a perfect match, everyone knew that. Hitomi would make an excellent queen and mother…as long as she lived until they were married!

____________________________

The day went by in a haze. Van and Hitomi explored their old haunts in the city for several hours and then ventured into the forests to the west. Van had brought Hitomi to Fanelia for the summer after their freshman year, less than a year before Folken disappeared. They spent a great deal of time wandering around aimlessly, discussing all matters closest to their hearts.

But things had changed. They were not the same people they had been those…long, long years ago.

_Hitomi had liked Folken very much. He was the kind of man everyone looked up to and loved. He was steady and honest. Van had been waiting for her with the news upon her return from a run and was staring into space._

"_What's the matter, Van? Are you alright?"_

_Van looked up at her with watery eyes and a fluttering stomach. Hitomi was startled to say the least. "Hitomi… … My brother …is dead."_

_Jumbled words floated around in her head, making no sense whatsoever. Consoling words that weren't really genuine. Or consoling. They weren't necessary anyway. She sat weakly down beside him. Van leaned his head against her shoulder for a moment. She turned slowly and embraced him, holding him as his body shook and he tried unsuccessfully not to cry. _

_Van had returned home for the royal funeral but was made to return to school shortly afterward. He was happy to do so in spite of the situation. It gave him something to take his mind off of the pain. _

_And Hitomi had been waiting for him._

_Before she changed _so completely _… _

They seated themselves on large boulders beneath the ancient trees, peeling the late-year fruit they had gathered at the market and thinking their own thoughts. Hitomi was pondering Van's sudden need to get away. He had never acted so strangely before. Nor did she wish him to again. And then there was the matter of his parents. They had changed, yes. How could they not, with their eldest son dead? But they had a mischievous, knowing look in their eyes that had not been present at their first meeting.

Van sighed.

"Anything the matter," Hitomi questioned, tossing him another fruit from her basket.

"No," he sighed again, frustrated. She didn't believe him, of course. "I…I just wish that I could be somewhere else! Anywhere else. I'm sick of this routine. I just want to travel; I want to see the world. I want things to happen, things to be different."

Hitomi kept silent.

"When I take the throne I'll have very little time to do anything if I want the country to run smoothly. I want to be my own man and fend for myself for a change. And my parents…" He rolled his eyes and shook his head. A gentle but cold breeze blew.

"Yes, what about your parents, Van," she prodded gently. "They seemed a little strange today."

"Well, they would be."

Puzzled, Hitomi was silent again.

"I want to do so many great things! Sometimes I feel trapped in my future. I have no options and my parents aren't making it any easier. I love them dearly," he said turning to Hitomi, "but they are out of line this time."

"Why? What's wrong?"

Van reflected upon the conversation that centered on the woman in front of him. It would do her no good to know what they were up to. She had enough to worry about. "Nothing you need to worry about." He gave her the best smile he could manage.

"Van…I know how much you want to see the world. But why are you acting so strangely today? You're like a wild horse that's been penned-in. You were home for all of an hour and you had to leave."

Van really didn't want to tell Hitomi that he was frustrated by his parents pushing him toward matrimony with her. He couldn't say that he was frustrated with his feelings for her, not being able to tell her how he felt. Nor did he want to say that ever since their third year he couldn't confide in her the same way.

"You really are antsy," she commented again.

"I know."

"Maybe we should go for a run. That may clear your thoughts."

Van really wanted an adventure to clear his thoughts, something else to take his mind off things. But for the present time… "No. I just want to enjoy the day with you. I'm sorry I'm confusing you."

"You have every right to be anxious about your future. At least you know where it lies. And you're wrong about not having any options. A king can do what he wants, within reason." Hitomi had no clue what she was going to be doing at the end of the year. Would she get a job? What would she do? Where in Gaea would she go? Van's passion for learning and helping people could lead him anywhere and he would follow. His heart guided him to a destiny that it created. Hitomi wasn't sure she even had a heart any more. Hope flickered somewhere inside of her when he mentioned seeing the world because she had desired it too. But it was an old dream, something that had been cherished and put away years ago.

"What _are_ you planning on doing after we graduate," Van asked.

Hitomi was silent.

"You could always come to Fanelia and do your research here."

"Researching what, exactly?"

"The fall of Atlantis. Isn't that your goal? Mind you, it has a lot of mythology attached and you may never find all the answers."

"I'd have something to keep me busy then, wouldn't I? And besides, I'm not sure that's what I want to do." _I'm not sure of anything right now._

Van looked pitifully at her. She had been so sure until third year. And then things just seemed to fall apart. It was the moment of change and he could do nothing to stop it. She had to find her own way. But he would help any way he could.

"Well never you mind. You'll think of something. Come on. Let's get back to the palace before mother starts to worry again."

________________________________

It was late evening by the time they reached the palace, the stars poking through the dark curtain of night. Hitomi went to her room after supper and changed into her nightgown, the light fabric clinging under her bosom. She sat up with her history book in the bed, under the covers, and began to read. The sentences passed ever so slowly, the material sinking into the depths of her brain. The candle at her bedside table began to flicker and she looked to see that it was nearly gone. Had she really been up that long? Flinging her legs over the side of her bed she climbed out and went to the balcony. It was very cold for late fall but she didn't mind. The stars were flickering brightly and the wind was blowing.

Hitomi could hear a clanging noise; swords in the dark. She looked three stories below her to the private courtyard and saw Van and his friend Gaddess practicing their technique. Gaddess was no expert with a sword, but he held his own against the ever-aggressive Van. Van continued to charge, blade glinting in the torch-light; Gaddess blocked and pushed him back at every turn. After a few more minutes of practice they stopped and began to clean their blades.

"You're parents are worried about the two of you."

"What makes you think that," Van asked, nonchalantly.

"Well, you've both been working very hard …and you've gone through a lot in the last two years."

"Yes. Losing a brother does something to a person. … But it's not the end of the world, you know…We've moved on as best we could. And what do they have to worry about Hitomi for? She may be my friend but they're not her parents."

"They wouldn't mind it," Gaddess mumbled.

Van shot him a look that plainly said, 'Shut up.' "I'll not have them ruin something even _I_ don't understand yet."

Gaddess smiled to himself. Van needed to _do_ something soon or she'd get away from him. He couldn't have a friend live with him for the rest of his life, let alone a _girl_ friend. "You'd better figure it out pretty soon, Van. You don't have much time left. Especially if she gets sick and dies," he mentioned casually, jerking his head toward the balcony.

Van looked up and shouted, almost violently, "Get back inside! You're going to make yourself sick."

Hitomi gave a huff and headed back inside, her nightgown flapping around her ankles in the breeze.

Van scowled, turned on his heels and headed back into the palace. That girl was insane! Her nightgown was practically _see-through_!

________________________________

The rest of the week seemed to crawl by pleasantly. Van steered Hitomi away from his parents at all costs and they seemed to spend a lot of time outdoors, despite the cold weather. Hitomi, however, spent a great deal of time frowning at Van behind his back. He held her hand more often than she was used to and took control over every situation. She wasn't sure if it was because he was home for a moment but she didn't quite understand this side of him… She wasn't used to him being so assertive. He actually talked for more than five minutes at a time!

"Van, when we go back to school in two days I'm going to go back to the way things were. You do know that, right?"

"Are you implying that things are different in some way? That I've been making you do things out of the ordinary," he asked slyly.

"You know darn well that you've had me on a regular schedule all week. It's actually driving me crazy, knowing what's going to happen every morning and every night. I've been so used to not knowing anything lately that this has been a bit of a shock to my state of mind."

"Come on, Hitomi. You can't say that you don't know _anything_. What is in all those books you've been absorbing?"

"'S not that kind of knowing," she mumbled, twisting her fingers around each other.

"What kind then?" He felt that he was on the brink of something important, something great. She was finally going to finally open up to him. Van almost held his breath.

Hitomi sat down on the dead grass, picking at the unoffending brown plants and waited a moment. "I don't have…any direction anymore. I don't know anything. I don't believe in anything…not anymore."

Van sat down on the dead grass beside her and looked into the sun of late-afternoon behind the clouds. "Why not?"

His voice was quiet and gentle. He wanted to listen. "I don't know. Nothing inspires me anymore. My studies have become a duty, a challenge, but it's more of a …a pride issue rather than an inspiration. I don't have any future, any goals to look forward to anymore. I have nothing to work towards, nothing specific anyway."

"But you had so many plans at the start of university. What happened to them?"

"They've opened up into so many options that I'm confused. I can't tell what I like more or what I'd be satisfied doing for the rest of my life. I'm just _restless_, I guess. Waiting on the edge for the next big thing to happen to me."

Van paused a long moment. He put his arm around her waist and left it there. The silence swirled around them, reaching the clouds in the orange light of late-afternoon. "We're very much alike, you and I."

_________________

"Well that was something of a week," Hitomi said, heaving a sigh and stepping from the carriage.

"Meaning…?"

"Well," Hitomi gulped, attempting to find the right word. "I just mean that I haven't felt so sleepy in such a long time."

"You mean you haven't given in to that need to sleep in for a long time and you want to thank me for providing you the opportunity."

Hitomi blushed, from embarrassment or anger she couldn't say. "Well, your highness, I thank you for a thoroughly enjoyable week and the pleasure of your company." She turned to climb the stairs but Van grabbed her wrist. He was grinning mischievously up at her. The pink lipstick in the shape of a bunny on his forehead made him look even sillier.

Hitomi giggled and ran up the stairs. She was about to reach her room when she tripped upon a piece of ruffled carpet. Luckily Dryden was on hand and steadied her. Furthering her discomfort, Dryden picked her up and started weighing her like a piggybank.

"Oh, I'd say _at least_ a six pound difference. Nice work, Van," he nodded in approval, Van having caught up to them.

"Not me. It was my mother. She insisted."

"If you all would stop harassing me about my weight, I have some work to do," Hitomi grumbled.

"All right. Just make sure you—"

"Eat, sleep, and check in with you about the amounts of each. I get it. You run my life now." She slammed the door to her room.

"Did you two have a fight," Dryden asked outright.

"Not yet. …But we will." Van didn't want to hurt her but she wasn't paying attention. Life was passing her by and if he didn't show it to her she'd never know. She'd never know _how_ _much_ he loved her.

"What's that on your forehead," Dryden chuckled after a moment, peering intently at Van.

"What?"

"It looks like a rabbit. Did she draw that on you," he asked incredulously.

"What, dammit," Van demanded, rubbing his forehead as if that would make him see what it was.

"Well, it _looked_ like a rabbit. Now your forehead is just pink."

______________________

The end of the term hurdled forward and the students registered for the following term after their last exam. Van was dismayed to find Hitomi once again buried in her books. She explained that she wanted to get a head start on her next courses. As she had put on a few more pounds since the mid-break he tried not to complain. In fact, he left her alone altogether during finals week. With the understanding that she would be returning home once her grades were finalized, Van knew that he had to act soon or he may never have another opportune moment. Hitomi was not ignoring him per se, but she was not actively seeking him out at every available moment.

________________________

The snow was falling thickly on the castle grounds, making it impossible for those unaccustomed to it to stir outside the castle. Hitomi sat on the windowsill of the library, a thick book on her knees. It had been three days since her last final and her grades were due at any time. She rubbed her eyes for a moment and looked out the window. The snow was rather boring after a few days; it all looked the same after a while.

Hitomi was about to go back to her book when she heard footsteps. She looked around and noticed Van coming down one of the isles with a furtive step. He had _that_ look in his eyes. Her throat choked up and her heart practically slammed into him. She got up and walked briskly toward him before he could say anything and strode quickly out the double doors, towing him firmly behind her.

She was about to say something to him when he stopped her himself and said, "Hitomi, I need you to come with me. I need to talk to you."

"Is something wrong? Why are you going so quickly," she called from behind him, their footsteps echoing loudly in the stone halls. Van's hand only tightened around hers in response. Passing Millerna in the hall without a glance, Millerna only hoped that this was what they had all been waiting for. She hoped that Hitomi was awake enough to accept him.

They continued to hurry along, at times Van began to run and Hitomi had trouble keeping up in the snow without tripping. They only stopped when they reached the sanctity of the Mystic Woods.

Van stopped a moment to let Hitomi catch her breath then plowed onward. "Hitomi, I _must_ tell you something. It has weighed heavy on my heart and at times made me feel so light-headed that I feel I could fly."

"Are you sure you're alright? You're very giddy," Hitomi puzzled aloud, sitting on a cold, dead tree.

Van was either too preoccupied with his thoughts to pay any attention to her lack of receptivity or he simply didn't care. He had something to say and he meant to say it. "I am perfectly well. … Hitomi…," he said with darkened eyes, taking her hands in his, "I love you. It has grown so much over the last years that I feel as if I were about to burst from the pressure of it. You must have noticed …you can't have _not_ seen how much I care for you. Will you" he knelt down in a puddle of icy snow, "do me the greatest honor and become my wife?" His gasp, barely audible, punctuated the last word, the adrenaline rushing through his body and making him feel heady.

Hitomi looked down at him in stunned silence, her lips slightly parted. Her head was spinning, ablaze with confusion. Her eyes were unfocused as she avoided Van's intent, deep gaze. _What_ was she hearing? Could she possibly be dreaming? "I—I…Van…" She couldn't find anything to say. Tears pricked her eyes and she stood, pulling him up with her. "Van, I can't," she choked out and then tore herself away from him. She paused a few feet away from him and forced some manner of words from her throat. "I'm not ready for this! I'm not—it's too much to— I'm sorry!" She fled like the coward she knew herself to be.

The hills flew by in streaks of white and grey. Hitomi streamed past the lake, missing the exquisite form of a mermaid forcing her way through the thick ice. The thick but slushy snow caused her to fall on her face several times, though she recovered with sluggish agility. The castle loomed large against the evening sky as she approached the double doors. She turned into the massive hallway on her right and anxiously sought a patch of shadow to suite her mood.

Hitomi leaned against the marble column, gripping it with her hands behind her back and breathing heavily. Tears pricked her eyes as she tried to calm down. How could she have _not_ seen? Her own heart was telling her how she felt, ever so quietly, but she had been so blind to not see how Van felt. He was always kind and generous with her but she only took it as a sign of friendship. In her freshman year she had been madly in love with his good looks and subtle charm…but she convinced herself that he felt only comradeship for her. She had locked her real feelings away, determined that no one would ever know.

But by now things had changed. So _many_ things had changed. He was _not_ the boy she had met on the first day of school. No. His eyes crackled with the fiery passion that flamed in his heart and leapt off his tongue. He had grown into a young man worthy of any girl's love. _Well, not any girl_, she argued with herself. Certainly not her own. She wasn't even sure what love was anymore. Desire was a feeling, but love was an all-consuming emotion; something she knew she couldn't control. Where was her heart, she moaned to herself in utter despair.

Hitomi sat on the cold floor and wept, not even sure of the reasons why.

___________________

Van was waiting in the common-room, his legs crossed on another chair as he brooded into the fire. She would have to explain herself to him before going to her room; there was no escape. She _would_ explain herself.

An hour or so later he was still waiting. Dryden and Dilandau were waiting around the corner on the stairs for the confrontation. All they could do was wait and hold their breath. There was no way they could drag the information out of Van so it was better to hear the discussion for themselves, though it was more likely to be a fight than a discussion. And soon enough they got it.

"It's not the physical fight I thought it would be," Dilandau joked quietly.

"They've been going at it for an hour!"

"Going at…what, precisely," Serena questioned as she sauntered down the stairs, suspicious.

"Oh, get your head out of the gutter for once, my dear," Dilandau chided playfully.

"They've been arguing." Dilandau pulled her to his side and snaked his hand around her waist.

"'Bout what?"

"What do you think?"

"You mean he _actually_ did it? He has more guts than I thought." Serena had always respected Van for his courage but she was in much more awe of him now, now that he had asked Hitomi to marry him. Everyone could see that she wasn't quite ready.

"I just don't get those two," Dryden sighed. "They're just so …"

"Scared."

"_Thank you_, Dilandau. I was about to say that," Dryden droned, nudging him against the rough wall. "I always knew you had a thing about fear but I didn't know you could _smell_ it."

"Shhh," Serena reproached. "They'll hear you!" She peeked around the corner to see the two standing a few feet apart near the fire. Their walls of defense were strong.

"_How can you say that, Van? I care for you more than anyone in the entire world!"_

"_Then what's standing in your way," he pleaded as gently as he could manage, his voice cracking. _

"_My future." Hitomi winced as his voice changed. She could feel her heart cracking along with his tone. _

"_Did you never once plan on me being in your future?"_

_Hitomi gasped and placed a hand over her insistent heart. "I—I mean my academic future!" But a fluttering hope had lodged itself in her gut._

"_You've been in school so long that you don't think there's anything else out there _but_ academics!" _

"_Why are you attacking me? I just want to do things on my own for once, which is more than you can say! You're just using me to get away from your family and your future. _I'm_ trying to _build_ my future, not get rid of it." _

_Hitomi immediately knew she shouldn't have said that— she wasn't blaming his parents for his anxiousness but she was resentful of the fact that he found her to be … … a source for comfort. !! "I just want to be …happy," she concluded, whispering so pitifully that Serena sank down onto the step and let Dryden slowly take her spot._

_Van grabbed Hitomi suddenly by the arms and pinned them to her sides. He held her so tightly that she was actually frightened of what he would do. Her lashes fluttered downward but Van lifted her chin so that she was looking directly into his eyes. They were steady and fierce. His voice, however, was another matter. "I only want you to be happy. If I can't make you happy after all these years than…"_

_Hitomi's heart, broken and sobbing though it was, rapidly pulsed on a baited breath waiting for him to finish his sentence. She knew the words deep down and couldn't help the tears that solemnly slid down her flushed cheeks. "I…It's not that, Van." Oh _how_ could she tell him what she felt! This wasn't right at all! Why couldn't she just crawl into a hole and cry? … She was such a coward_

_Van slowly let her go; his fingers were bound to have left their mark. She obviously wasn't going to say anything more. He hung his head and waited a moment before saying, "I'm sorry."_

That _was the final straw. Hitomi gave a wilting sob and flung herself up the stairs, barely noting the three people pressing themselves against the wall._

Dryden crept down the last stair after a few moments and gazed sadly at Van. He had sat down weakly in the armchair nearest the fire and was staring into it with a pained, confused brow.

Van hadn't moved from the chair by one in the morning. His body had stopped shaking by then but he still felt naked. Dryden was about to make a joke about positions being reversed but he reflected that it might be unfeeling at the present time. Instead, he left a plate of food on the table nearest him in case Van felt like eating.

It hadn't been touched when Dryden came down eight hours later. Hitomi herself hadn't come out of her room, though her carriage home had been scheduled to leave that very hour. Millerna and Yukari crept out of the room, their traveling bags in their hands and quietly moved past Van. They had just opened the door to the common room when he looked up with a glint of hope in his eyes. It pained them to do so, but they hung their heads and scrambled through the doorway. They were to go their separate ways for a whole two months and there was no hope to be had from their accounts.

When Hitomi's time for departure came and went, Van gathered a few things from his room and left for home. He was building a wall of bitterness and disinterest around his heart and he didn't give a shit.

_______________

Hitomi's first month of winter vacation was utterly miserable. Not a word from anyone on any subject save for Yukari with a message that she and Amano were engaged. She had expected the news at any time. Good for Yukari. She would help Amano in his father's business and have children and live the traditional family life she had always wanted. Then why the hell had she gone to school at all? What good was wasting all that money and effort? She may never have met Amano but what difference did that make? She still would have settled down and lived a family life.

Hitomi was glad in her heart to see her family after so long an absence, but she really wanted to be left alone most of the time. Her solitary nature at school forced her in to the habit of solitary wanderings at home. Everything was as she had left it, but her coming home felt like an intrusion, the gloom and depression following her like death dogs its prey. First moon, 28. Three weeks until the next term.

Her brother was giddy with the prospect of attending Atlantis the following year with his latest girlfriend. Her father was constantly locked in his study looking over contracts and business transactions. Nothing new there. Mother was truly the only one with any real sense of what was going on in Hitomi's life. She noticed the tears lurking behind her sometimes-hazel eyes whenever they were alone together. She did not attempt to hazard the question 'why', but asked kindly about her friends and schoolwork.

"School has been tough, but I've made it through."

"Keeping to your standards, I trust."

"…Yes. My standards are high enough, even for father."

"And how are your roommates?"

"Yukari has just written to say that she and Amano are engaged to be married. The wedding is planned for next autumn."

"How lovely! And are you to be a bridesmaid?"

"I suppose. She hadn't really gotten around to mentioning those kinds of things. It was a very short letter."

"And Prince Van? How is he? I'm glad that you two had such a nice time in Fanelia. It is such a shame about his older brother. But Van will make a wonderful king when the time comes," her mother said, her great faith illuminating her visage.

Hitomi struggled with herself and in a second had regained control. "He is well. Working very hard and training hard for this year's football matches."

"In this weather? This year has been the worst in ten for snow and ice! I hope you haven't been doing the same. You could be hurt!"

"I'm going for a walk," Hitomi said getting up and abruptly leaving the room.

______________________

The snow gave a crunch in the quiet wilderness of their property. She made her way through the knee-high snow toward the grove of holly and pine trees that were dusted pleasantly in the latest fall of snow. The red berries glistened in the glaring light as she fingered them; the loose ones landed, making a pit in the powder below. She slid her hand along the bushes and needles, the differences in texture forcing her out of her stupor.

What _was_ she doing? What was she giving up in place of achievement and temporary glory? What good was discovering the past when she was missing her own present? How long had she been asleep to the world, dead to its charms? How could she not have known his love was there in its ever-constant, gentle touch? Why was she such a fool?

If love was not what she had imagined it to be then what? Wasn't love the greatest dream in the world? Her dream of love was all in her head and the reality of love was touching her straight on the nose. Hitomi sat in a bed of pine needles as the sun began to melt the ice and snow around her. It was hours before she woke to the world again.

Instead of the sun, however, she woke to the sting of the icy rain. Her lower half was numb and her fingers stiff. She debated whether or not to wait out the rain or trudge home through the snow. It would probably be another hour before the rain let up. And she'd handled worse than this. She decided to risk it.

The snow turned into slush with every heavy footfall. The rain stung every inch of her face, freezing her cheeks to the skull. She pulled her long, heavy coat as close as possible, trying to keep the warmth in the curves of her body. The bottom two inches of her coat were getting soaked however, making the slightest movement harder to do. She pulled her feet up hard with each push forward and slid with the next. After about thirty minutes Hitomi was getting a bit exhausted. Why didn't she wait until it was over? Because then it would have been even harder to get out; the slush would have turned into a lake of mud. A sudden wind blew and made her shiver violently. A sneeze, and then she continued on.

Hitomi struggled over the final hurdles and reached the door to her private quarters that had once been the carriage house. Having been refurbished when she was only a teenager, Hitomi had lived comfortably by herself, often times not seeing her family for days on end. She fumbled quickly with the fastenings on her coat, her fingers well beyond numb. She shivered again, coldness lodging heavily in her head.

Hitomi coughed feebly; her very lungs shaking from the cold air that rushed in. She weakly tossed her coat in the bathroom across the double sink. She desperately wanted to take a hot bath but she was afraid of falling asleep in the water—under the water more precisely. Instead, Hitomi curled up under her thick covers and in no time fell into a troubled sleep. The room which consumed her tiny body was dark and unfeeling. She couldn't control her dreams, and they were what frightened her the most.

_____________________

Mrs. Amelie Kanzaki had planned on having a large lunch with the entire family the next day, if only to be together while there was still time. They were a family but only in name; there wasn't much camaraderie among its members on a regular basis. Hitomi hadn't been seen since after breakfast the previous day. A maid had been sent over to Hitomi's quarters a few minutes ago to get her. Hitomi had been sullen ever since her return home and Amelie thought she knew why.

Everything had been so hard on Hitomi ever since her father pushed her into research on Atlantis. She had wanted to please him so much, to make him see that she was worthy of being his daughter. Mr. Kanzaki was a loving man, but only to those he felt worthy of his love. It had been hard enough getting him to love his wife and he had never had an easy time with women. Loving a daughter he never wanted was an even bigger challenge; one Hitomi had struggled with ever since she had learned that her father was a workaholic. She strove to keep him happy with perfect grades in university but he never seemed to care. As long as she forced her way forward though, she thought that she could make him see.

Amelie sighed. Hitomi couldn't see the love in front of her and yet she tried her hardest to earn it from a man who may never give it. Poor Prince Van. Amelie had met him one summer three years ago when he arrived to take Hitomi to Fanelia. He was a strikingly handsome young man with a character that couldn't help but attracting the brightest people to himself. From the few moments that she conversed with him, Amelie came to know that Prince Van was an honest, genuine, hardworking young man who cared for Hitomi more than he could help. She hoped desperately that he would be able to fill the void in Hitomi's heart.

The door to the parlor flew open and the maid rushed in. "Ma'am, I think Miss Hitomi may need a doctor."

"What's wrong," she said rising, coming out from around her desk.

"She's quite unwell. Her temperature is well beyond the norm but she has the blankets over her head."

"Notify the doctor from Arzas and tell him to hurry."

"Yes, Ma'am." She hurried away to complete the necessary tasks, her black skirts fluttering behind her.

"I hope it's nothing too serious," Madame Kanzaki muttered to herself. After all the work Hitomi had done it would be a pity to waste it.

_____________________

Van twisted the cord on his bedroom curtains until it was about to snap. He was bored out of his skull. All the sword-play in the inside training-rooms couldn't break his mood and his parents were up to their usual tricks. They tried to squeeze all the information out of him about Hitomi and her health. He told them plainly that she had done very well in school and that she had put on a little weight since they had last seen her but nothing more. It had taken all of his will not to tell them how he resented her rejection. But they were sharp, intelligent people; surely they would have guessed something by now.

Van got up and sat cross-legged on the window seat, staring at the melting snow. It would snow again in good time, but for now it took its steady time melting. His first month of break had been a bore and the last week hadn't been much better. He was hoping to get some hunting in with Gaddess before the week was out.

The door to his room creaked open and Van immediately knew that it had to be one of his parents. They never knocked. "Van? Dear?"

"Yes, mother," he said, annoyed in the typical manner of young men.

"Dear, will you come and sit by the fire? I have something to tell you."

"Yes? What is it, mother?" Van sat down on the long bench next to her. She took his hand in hers and patted it maternally.

"It's Hitomi." Van's heart leapt into his throat. "Now _don't_ look like that dear. It's not all _that_ bad."

"Well don't _do_ that then!"

"It's just that…well…Well at first, the doctor thought she merely caught a very serious case of pneumonia. But when he examined her more closely…"

This couldn't be good. "What," Van asked, trying to hide the desperation in his voice.

_That girl…what harm was she doing to herself now?_

"Hitomi had several deep cuts on her arms. It appears that when she was thrashing in her sleep she accidentally cut herself with the letter-opener on the bed stand."

Van was too frightened to conceal his shock. Bile rose to the base of his throat and his self-imposed wall came crashing down. His vision became blurry for a moment and he swayed precariously on the bench. Fear moved swiftly into every corner of his body but a nagging, heavy hurt sat like a jagged rock in his stomach. It was his fault. Hitomi was unconsciously attempting suicide because of _him_.

Varie herself had been alarmed and distressed when Amelie had given her the news. Hitomi, she knew, was certainly going through some personal struggles but she never thought it would progress to such a dangerous stage.

Varie could see that the news was making her son sick. She drew him into her arms.

Van was too woozy to resist, too glassy-eyed to comprehend what was going on.

"Van, dear, the danger has passed. Hitomi's mother said that her arms are healing quickly and that she ought to make a complete recovery from the pneumonia before school resumes. I—I just thought you might like to know. I must say," she continued softly, "Hitomi doesn't seem to be taking very good care of herself. Do you have any new idea of what might be wrong?"

"No, I don't mother. But as long as I stay away from her she should be better off," he mentioned, biting his lip. His voice sounded very far away. He never wanted any of this to happen.

"Whatever do you mean darling? Surely you don't mean that."

"I do mean it," he barked. Van firmly moved away from his mother. She couldn't know half of what they were going through!

After a moment she said, "Forgive a mother's questions but…Did you two have a fight? Yes? What was it about?" Her voice was gentle but it fell on deaf ears. She knew Van had been sulking over something, probably Hitomi-related. What youth did for love, she thought with an inner-sigh.

Van was silent. The guilty, angry poison started seeping through his veins again. The tick in his jaw throbbed but his hands were strangely flat. "I don't want to talk about it any more. I'm sick of people asking me questions about Hitomi. I'm so sick of hearing about her! I never want to hear of her again!"

"Don't say that, Van! Don't! I know you've been hurt. I don't know how, but I know it's true. Van," she said softly, putting her hand on his arm. He jerked away. "Van, you love her so much. But her rejection doesn't mean that she doesn't love you! I've seen the way she is with you, the look in her eyes when you're around. I don't know what's been going on in her life these last years—"

"No, you don't. And neither do I. If she won't tell anyone than there's nothing we can do about it." Hitomi took her sweet time in getting around to anything and if she wanted to stand on the sidelines and watch life without participating than that was her problem. He had tried to make her see the beauties of life but she ran away…afraid of something he couldn't see or defend her from. Life wasn't precious enough to her and neither was he.

She had enough demons to deal with.

Part Two

The carriages were flooding the campus as students reconvened for their final term of the year. It was cold but the spring season would soon arrive. Van had partially stepped out of his carriage, well-bundled, when he looked up and saw her. Her bright, green eyes zoomed electrically to his and they stood, frozen to the cold ground.

He couldn't help himself. In an instant he was in front of her, an inch away.

She stared confusedly up at him. Was that a hint of guilt in her eyes?

He couldn't help himself. His arms were tight around her. She could feel the heat from his body flood into her own. Van emitted a shaking, almost heart-broken sigh into her shoulder and then disappeared as quickly as he had come, leaving her to ponder on her own. No one else seemed to notice.

They didn't talk about her suicide attempt; it was a nightmare that had somehow passed. The very idea of it was put away nicely in the closet under the dirty clothes. After a while it just seemed like an accidental misunderstanding. Nobody talked about it. In fact, Van wasn't even sure anyone else knew about the incident. And he sure as hell didn't want to be reminded of it. But it continued to nag at him in the back of his mind. Was it just an accident? How could it have been? How could her life be so bad that she would want to end it all? Was nothing important to her anymore? Cold shivers flashed under his skin as he considered the thought.

__________________

Hitomi recovered well enough to go back to school but her mother had her roommates keep an eye on her and take a forceful hand in her health. It didn't take long for Hitomi to resist. She did it fairly weakly though, and Yukari was rather relieved. But Hitomi made a complete recovery before long and began taking more to the outdoors. Van was pleased to see the color come back into her cheeks but he could not bring himself to speak to her. He shouldn't have to make the first move anyway. He had had enough of that.

Van himself spent a great deal of time out of doors. He and his teammates practiced nearly every day for their soon-approaching matches. He felt himself getting stronger with every session and he was eagerly anticipating the first home match. His calves were bulking up and his thighs surged with power at every stride. His upper-body, not to be neglected, also became firmer and fleshed out. His pectorals and washboard abs stiffened, their strength he kept just in check when his nerves got the better of him. During practice he was often unopposed, his ferocity preceding him in a red-like aura. This was more than frustrating to their coach for practice purposes but when game-time rolled around he was pleased as punch to have such an aggressive, unchallenged player.

Hitomi, in spite of herself, often crept down to the practice fields and hid behind the stands. As she watched the team warm up, plan and execute maneuvers, she couldn't tear her eyes away from Van. It picked at her ever-rational heart endlessly when she realized how she was staring. Van tossed away his shirt as the heat of the day caught up with him and continued with the practice. Some of his teammates did the same but Hitomi didn't notice; all she saw was Van's tanned skin, taut over his tall, toned frame. He was beautiful…the most beautiful creature to have walked the earth in her eyes. A million different fantasies crept into her mind, some of them not very innocent. Embarrassing herself with her shameless manner she turned to leave, bumping into a grinning Serena shortly on the way back.

_______________________

This match was the highlight of the season, the ultimate match. The other teams were second-rate at best and Dragonslayer knew it. If they beat Atlantis today then they would be in line for this year's championship. They hadn't won in the last twenty years. After this match the rest was downhill.

The stands were filled to capacity while the overflow was forced to watch from the castle with the windows open. All they could hear was the roar of the fans. The red jerseys of the Atlantians made it easy to pick out how the team was doing but they couldn't make out their favorite players from so far away.

Hitomi and her friends had marked their seats several hours prior to the game and had occupied themselves with heated conversations and childish games to pass the time. Hitomi gave a well-constructed argument for Dragonslayer's defeat while Dilandau played devil's advocate and cheered for their victory. He hoped it wouldn't jinx his own team's chances for victory.

As the teams jogged onto the field for warm-up, the fans cheered in support, singing their respective school songs and flinging caustic taunts across the stands.

The match was one of epic proportions. Every player had his well-matched mark, equal in size, strength, and agility. There were moments when each team thought that they had clinched the victory only to be shown up by some rightly-cocky player from the opposing side.

Dryden sneered heartily, flashing his teeth at his mark and tripped him when the referee wasn't looking. Van powered his way across the field with something akin to insanity. This was his last chance to gain glory in the eyes of his schoolmates. It was the closest he could come to fighting on a battlefield without killing anyone.

Hitomi cheered mightily as Van and his teammates made goal after goal. The score was 5:3, Atlantis, by halftime. After the break it seemed that some of the Dragonslayers were driven to desperation. They charged across the field with little attention paid to the safety of their teammates and ruthlessly fouled Atlantis when they neared the goalposts.

The fans were in an uproar. One rather good-looking Atlantian was slammed into with such force that he landed poorly on his ankle and had to be carried out of the game to watch from the sidelines. The referees almost had a mob scene on their hands as off-field Atlantians swarmed, swinging their fists and shouting obscenities.

It seemed impossible that there were only moments left in the game—Atlantis was ahead by one goal. Van snarled at the kickoff and stretched his limber legs as he skillfully maneuvered the pathetic ball around players in circles. It was as if he had been given wings and was above the fray. His power frightened the newest members of the Dragonslayers and they swerved to avoid him, even if it meant allowing one last goal. Van made a quick pass to one of his teammates and, with a twist of his body, distracted the goal-keep and struck the final blow. The game was finally over and done with, Atlantians winning with an impressive 8:6. Van could finally sleep at night.

_________________________

The Dragonslayer's uniforms were bright orange but they pleasantly blended into the wood background. Hitomi herself never stood out at her table in the corner. She twisted her glass listlessly around a space on the table. The five other chairs at the table stood empty where her friends had previously been sitting. They were now mixing pleasantly with the other team members and friends, pints of beer and glasses of whiskey in their fists. Hitomi had always been an outgoing girl but she felt like she had lost her touch and so didn't think it necessary to start again now.

She let her eyes roam around the room. Millerna and Dryden were sitting by the fire whispering into each others' ears, probably dirty jokes by the way their eyes glistened. Yukari and Amano were joined at the hip these days, though they did appear to be socializing with members of the Dragonslayer team for a few moments. Van was ignoring her, as usual. He sat by himself with a pint at his side, arms crossed and glaring at no one in particular.

Hitomi felt strangely lonely, though she was unsure why it should be so. She had been solitary for so long it had become a habit. She was used to being alone. Then suddenly, she wasn't. A rather large, muscular, and very drunk member of the opposing team sat down next to her and slurred, "Hey cutie. Some match today, wasn't it?"

"Yes…"

"Anybody you know on the team?"

"Yes, a few. I think I'd—"she tried to stand but the player put his large hand on her shoulder and forced her back into her seat.

"No need to leave, no need. Here. Why don't I get us a couple of drinks," he suggested, waving the barmaid over with one hand and placing the other on Hitomi's leg. He gazed at her hazily but with an intent that was all too clear to Hitomi.

She felt utterly naked underneath his gaze, her body bared and made ugly. She forced his eyes from her mind. Maybe he would go away now that she wasn't thinking about him. "I think you've had enough," she said firmly, sliding her chair away from him.

He slid his chair closer until their legs were pressed against each other. His breath swirled close to her face, smelling strongly of alcohol and un-purged vomit. Hitomi wrinkled her nose and bent away further and further until he was leaning over her. Her fists were pushing him away, but he was too strong. She could see the underside of the table from her new position.

"Now, now. There's no need to be frigid. I'm not going to hurt you, missy. I just want to kiss you," he slurred, grabbing her by the jaw and laying his lips forcefully upon her own.

Hitomi froze for a moment, not quite sure what was going on. It was like some horrible nightmare. He slid his hand up her leg, pressing closer to her every moment. But then Hitomi regained her senses and her reflexes kicked in, forcing her knee upward; whatever it hit must have done the trick. She slammed the palm of her hand into his nose, causing a most satisfying crack in his bridge. He hunched over and his grip slackened, giving Hitomi enough room to pull herself up. She fixed her clothing, conscious of her appearance to anyone looking. She was backed into the corner and couldn't see where to go. The young man had recovered himself, however and was inching toward her with fury marked in every feature. Blood was streaming from one nostril.

"Why, you little bitch!" His hand raised above her head.

Hitomi flinched before the blow came. His hand flew at her, leaving its angry, red mark on her face. She felt as though her neck had snapped. She turned to face him again and glared, her stance firm and radiating 'pissed off'. "Leave," she hissed. "Leave or I'll report you to your headmaster."

"Think that's going to stop me, eh," he growled. "We'll just see about that!" His hand rose again and Hitomi flinched, her arms this time blocking her face but the blow never came. Instead there was a loud crash, glass shattered and a few screams. The floor shook beneath her feet.

She cracked open a watery eye and saw red. A red jersey, to be exact. Van was standing in front of her, his back to her, and holding the man's arm in a crushing grip. She couldn't see his face but his posture proved him to be furious. Van flung the other player backwards into the now-broken table and pile of chairs. Glass shifted on the floor and drew blood; not much, but enough to sting. Several Dragonslayers came to haul their teammate up and help him leave the pub.

Van turned toward her and asked, "You alright?"

Perfunctory. Nothing more than an inquiry.

Pride flared its ugly, unrelenting nature as it shined in her eyes. Hitomi nodded brusquely, then pushed past him, her head held high. People were staring at her, whispering after she had passed. She never wanted to come back to this place. Never! She hated all the memories tied to it; the happiness it once afforded left a bitter taste in her mouth where a smile had once been. Leaving the pub and climbing the hill back toward the castle, her body tingled with revulsion and shame. A small sob crept from her mouth as she stumbled on the hill, her hand wiping shakily across her eyes. She hated _everything_.

She felt hungry and tired, utterly worn out and weary. But hunger overpowered her and she made her way to the dining quarters. She ate slowly and dizzily, avoiding the eyes of everyone near her. She didn't feel like eating anymore. She began to feel self-conscious, her cheek throbbing against the large red mark. She made her way back to her room until she heard people from the pub behind her.

Hitomi hid behind a large, gaudy statue and waited.

"He just jumped over the tables like a lynx and shoved himself into the guy!"

"What a display! How perfectly romantic," an immature underclassman cooed.

"Not if you were Kanzaki, that's for sure."

"Yes, well…At least we know she can count on Fanel whenever she's in trouble."

Hitomi scowled at this last statement. It wasn't as though she was an invalid; she _had_ gotten him off of her. She continued to catch snippets of pertinent conversations as groups passed. They all thought she was self-absorbed and not like she used to be. In terms of scholastic achievement they could find no one higher in their esteem, but they were annoyed with her lack of socialization. Then she heard familiar, closer voices.

"You can't tell me _now_ that you don't love her," Dryden's deep voice urged. "Not after you spoke to the headmaster about the guy. He's probably lost his place on the team thanks to you. And I won't even _mention_ that horrendous black eye he'll have to deal with for a few weeks. It's one thing to have been a knight in shining armor, but it's another to take private revenge."

At any other time Hitomi's heart would have fluttered at Van's chivalrous nature, but not today. She was angry at having to be protected by a man she _said_ she didn't love but couldn't bring herself to admit otherwise. And he wasn't helping by blowing hot and cold every other moment. She _hated_ being like this! Pride had her trapped in a long-term sulk.

"Just because I played the part of the knight doesn't mean that she needs me. She's not a damsel in distress." His voice was cold and stiff.

"She was last semester according to you."

"Oh will you just give it _up_! Just leave me alone!" Van strode past Dryden and slammed the door to their dorm.

"Dryden?" Millerna's comforting voice floated down the hallway a moment later.

"…Hey," he greeted her, welcoming her in his arms.

"I just wish they would work things out." Millerna snuggled against him, her head on his chest. "They're in so much pain, the both of them."

"And stubborn as a pair of yox."

"Pride's never a good mix with hot-headed, stubborn people. … It was sweet how he came to her rescue, though," she mentioned offhand.

Dryden smiled slightly, ambling down the hall back to her dorm, with Millerna smiling to herself behind him. _They_ knew why Van had done what he did. The question was: Did Hitomi?

When they were out of sight Hitomi crept out from behind the statue. _Well great_, she grumbled. _I can't get into the room for at least another hour_.

__________________

_That stupid fool,_ Van growled, pacing around his room. He scuffed the floor and felt strongly like slamming his fist into something hard. If that man had stood up under his own power Van would have broken his hand—permanently. How _dare_ he touch Hitomi! Bastard. If--No. No! No more "if"s. They never did any good except to get you riled up. And he was already riled up.

Van remembered the first time he realized that he was heart-breakingly attracted to Hitomi. He was sitting in class taking a test when he looked up. Hitomi was sitting a row over, one chair in front of him. She was chewing on the back of her pen and frowning. Van hadn't noticed yet, but he was holding his breath. Her toffee hair fell across her face gently, slowly, as she leaned forward. She flicked her bangs smoothly away from her face and Van had gasped, the oxygen finally reaching his starved brain. It was when his heart started choking him that he realized how much he had fallen for her within a few short weeks. He shivered inside. He didn't think it was possible to be in any deeper than that moment. He was wrong.

He loved her so much more now than _ever_ before.

____________________

Hitomi continued her icy attitude toward Van during classes. He would look up sometimes to find her staring past him into space but she would quickly shake herself out of her stupor and get back to her work. It was a bleak ice that somehow didn't sting as much as he thought it would. It was cold, but the bite wasn't directed at him, that he was almost sure of.

He felt sorry for the road their relationship had taken. It seemed as if there wasn't one anymore and it left a hole in his life. He had planned on her being with him for so long that he had to struggle with the idea that she _wouldn't_ be there. Van didn't like the idea that Hitomi was practically a stranger to him. It just didn't feel right. He sighed dejectedly as he finished off his sentence with a flourish of his pen. He turned in his chair and looked around the room—Dryden was lying on his bed with a far-away look in his eyes.

"What are you grinning at," Van asked, suspicious.

"Hn? What," he asked, sitting up.

"You've got a funny look on your face. Why?"

Dryden grinned. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Actually…now I'm not so sure."

"It's about Millerna."

"No, I was right. I don't want to know."

"We—"

"Never mind!"

"Come on, Van. You'll have to find out sooner or later." He was very serious.

Van's head snapped back toward him and solemnly said, "You've got my attention."

Dryden's face suddenly got a tinge redder. For a moment he looked as though he decided not to say anything, but he did anyway. "Millerna and I …well, we've taken our relationship to the next level."

"Meaning you've slept with her," Van said pointedly, his gaze steady.

"Well…" Dryden ran his fingers through his curly mane and mumbled to himself.

"So you two weren't even dating at the beginning of the week and now you've slept together."

"Steady on," he said defensively, holding up his hands. "We've known each other for years, back when we were children. We've just finally gotten around to recognizing the treasure we've had all along."

Van was silent. He had a million things he could have said in return but thought better of it.

"You know—", Dryden began.

"Yes. I do."

Dryden was silent. He rolled over on his bed and re-immersed himself in his fantasies, sliding the thick curtains shut around his four-postered world.

_________________________

She gave a frustrated sigh. Just a little more. Hold yourself UP.

So many nights alone. Sometimes Hitomi wished that someone _would_ come and sit with her, but then she'd feel like she had to talk and that would distract her from her studies. Only Van knew how to be near her and not be a distraction—not on purpose, anyway. But he didn't come to keep her company any more, not after the winter break. Van stayed as elusive as possible and Dryden wasn't much help. Dryden refused to mention him in her presence. He kept saying that they should just talk it out between themselves.

Hitomi was suddenly very tired. No wonder, she thought, it was three in the morning. But she had to keep reading or she'd never get enough done. Oh, _who_ was she kidding! She slammed her book shut and flung herself, face down onto the table, her arms propping her head an inch or two above its surface. Self-pity was a wonderful companion for a time. A few stray tears trickled down her cheeks as she sloped off into a heavy-hearted sleep.

Van couldn't sleep. He had tossed and turned for the last hour in a fit of restlessness. He finally got up and wandered around the room in the dark. One stubbed toe and a bruised ankle later he decided to chance the common-room. Maybe Hitomi would have gone to bed by now. He closed the door quietly on Dryden and his teddy-bear and wandered down the hall to the stairs.

He thought for a moment that Hitomi was still awake, but as she didn't move for what felt like eons, he dubbed it safe. Van padded over to her in his bare feet and watched as her slow breathing moved the light strands of hair across her face. He gently brushed them out of the way with a wistful smile. He saw the traces of tears on her cheeks and felt a twinge of pain tug at his heart. Maybe, he thought regretfully, they were for him. Stacking her pile of books and papers on the table, Van picked up her feather-light body and carried her up the stairs to her room. She was so peaceful-looking in sleep. He kicked the door softly a few times until it cracked open to reveal a very sleepy-looking Millerna.

"I believe I have something that belongs to you," Van mentioned quietly. Millerna opened the door a little wider and gave a mix between a smile and a gasp. "Your roommate appears to have exhausted herself in an attempt to pull an all-nighter… again."

"Third one this week," Yukari yawned, flipping the pages of her book.

"Could you just put her on the bed," Millerna asked, nudging a stack of books out of the way. "We'll just let her sleep for the rest of the night, hey?"

"Good," Van said, tucking Hitomi between the sheets. "Goodnight ladies."

Millerna leaned against the doorframe and placed her hand on his arm. "She just needs time to figure herself out. She really does love you, Van."

"I'll be sure of that when she tells me herself. 'Night." He disappeared down the hall.

_________________

Van lay on his bed with the curtains drawn, his shirt thrown carelessly on the floor beside. The days grew so long and blended together so quickly that he hardly knew time existed. His head was lead-heavy and his thoughts fuzzy. His heart, however, was at a roaring ache and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He breathed deeply, in and out. One day at a time. Things would change. They _had_ to! He couldn't go on living like this!

As if answering his thoughts Dryden mumbled, "Why don't you just talk to her, mate?"

"I shouldn't have to."

"Stubborn fool," he muttered back.

"What?"

"Nothing," he said quickly. "But you're never going to get her to marry you if you don't do something about it now, before she's gone forever. Why not just show off your muscles a bit at the next game? I'm sure that'll have her swooning in no time."

Van rolled his eyes. "I don't want her lust, Dryden."

"…I know." Dryden rolled over, audibly shifting the sheets. Van was dead serious about this issue. No amount of levity would get him to lighten up. Van was taking Hitomi's rejection as seriously as she took her schoolwork. That didn't mean Dryden had to stop trying to make things easier for his best mate though. "But a little lust can't hurt now and again, can it? Not in this case," he teased.

Again Van's eyes rolled, this time water threatened to force its way from behind his lids. "Yes. …It can." He couldn't help hurting them both if they got themselves involved in a relationship deeper than she was ready to commit to at the time. He would be forcing her into something he desperately wanted, desired with his entire being. He wanted to _love_ her. _Love_ her without being afraid of the consequences. He would give _everything_ he had if only he could be with her for the rest of their lives. He wanted her love in return. If she wasn't ready for love than she wasn't ready for the pain and responsibilities of lust.

The trouble with Dryden, Van thought, was that he thought sleeping with someone made all the problems go away, when in reality it just created an even bigger one. Depending on their attitude and relationship at any given moment, sex was just a release of something; be it feelings, bodily fluids, stress, or lust itself. Sex was not just an act meant for pleasure or creating children. It was meant in an altogether unused term: making love. Making love implies that love is created between two people and shown by their unconditional giving of themselves to each other—a promise. And it was making love _with_, not _to_, someone that counted. Making love _to_ someone implied a selfish action on the doer's part. Lust was selfish and could not last. Love, however, was something that could live forever. The world was made up of the love that people shared, no matter how brief.

And his love was anything but brief.

______________________

She normally didn't do this. She really didn't do this. Ever. But she was in the hole and she was going to do something she felt like for a change. That didn't mean reading a book. No, it meant getting piss-ass drunk on a Friday night and throwing all her problems away for a few hours. At least into the toilet of the pub, anyway.

That's where Millerna found her at a quarter past two in the morning, draped over the toilet and surrounded by a tray of drinks.

"Hitomi," she said despondently, her heart in the pit of her stomach. "What are you doing?"

"I'm getting drunk. Wuz it look like?" Hitomi turned to face her, her hair resting heavily across her forehead. "Hand me anozer drink, will yuh," she said, throwing back another shot.

"Hitomi, what the hell are you doing! Is this any way to act," she scolded, pulling Hitomi up by her arms.

"Yea well, I don give a shit," she slurred.

"Have you ever got a dirty mouth when you're drunk. I've never seen you like this, Hitomi…I'm disappointed."

"Screw you!"

Millerna turned and slapped her hard across the face.

"Wha wuzat for?"

Millerna slapped her again. "Grow up, would you? You're screwing yourself and does it mean anything to you? No!"

"Jus get away from me! I feel like stewing fer a while. Jus go away," Hitomi groaned, wobbling away and out the swinging bathroom door.

Millerna screwed up her face and stormed out the door to find Hitomi slumped over the bar beside a stool. "Get up, Hitomi. Do you want Van to see you like this?"

Hitomi turned half a face toward her and glared at her from behind her mop of hair.

"Go away."

She was at her wit's end. So frustrating! Millerna was seething as she tromped up the stairs to Van's room.

"So you've got to go down there and talk some sense into her!"

"You can't talk sense into someone who's drunk," Van deadpanned.

"Van," Millerna complained.

"I'm not doing it, Millerna! She can boil in her own mess."

"But you love her! Don't you want to help? She's drunk off her ass and won't be able to function in the morning, much less the rest of the night."

"It's Saturday. She can sleep it off."

"You really are a cold bastard, aren't you," Millerna said contemptibly, as she stalked off to find Yukari.

Van sat staring at the spot in which Millerna had last been standing. It wasn't his responsibility to take care of Hitomi. She could do that on her own. But he'd never seen her drunk before. At the very least, it was intriguing. The thought of her passed out on the bar was just too much for him, so he made his way down the hill, past the gatekeeper's hut to the pub.

As soon as he entered the pub his heart swelled with pity. His throat was so tight he couldn't swallow. Hitomi was indeed passed out, her forehead resting precariously on the edge of the bar, her arms hanging listlessly below. It was a pitiable sight, but Van couldn't help but smirk as Hitomi's mouth cracked open a little and moaned sleepily, "Sorry Prof. Hawkes. I wa jus finishin ma sentans."

"Hey, Van. Your girlfriend here needs to get some sleep," the bartender nodded.

"She's not my girlfriend, Elliot," Van said, lifting Hitomi up and putting her arm around his shoulder.

"Well, she mumbled a little while ago that she was in love with you. I figured that all the gossip must be true."

"You're not supposed to believe everything you hear, El." Of course she loved him. But could she be? Really? "I'm going to take her home. Are we clear here?"

"Her bill's been covered, if that's what you're asking," Elliot smirked, wiping out a glass.

"Good," Van said, readjusting to counter the weight of Hitomi's slumping body.

"Need any help?"

"I don't weight-train for nothing. Just don't tell her I said that," Van said mischievously.

It took him a little while, but Van eventually got Hitomi up to the castle, fished her keys from her pocket, and entered her darkened room. Neither of the girls were there so Van pulled up a chair and sat a water-logged Hitomi in it.

Van wondered how straight-laced-Hitomi could have possibly gotten drunk. She wasn't much of a drinker, that was certain, but she at least knew her limits. If what Elliot said was true, maybe he really was the cause of her one-off. Elliot had never actually said those words, but from everything he'd been through, Van could have easily come to that conclusion on his own. It gave him hope on the one hand, but on the other, he was disappointed. Didn't she know that she could talk to him about anything? Why was she so reluctant to see him?

Van heard a quiet moan as Hitomi shifted in her chair and hurried back from the bathroom with a damp washcloth to put on her forehead. He crouched down in front of her and sat her upright again.

"Van…," she mumbled in question.

"Mmm," he answered, carefully dabbing her face.

"Van?"

"What? What is it, Hitomi?"

Hitomi put her hands firmly on his shoulders and looked, bleary-eyed into his face. It was dark in the room, but she knew where his gentle eyes were. "Why do I love you so much," she whispered hoarsely. Burning tears trickled out of her eyes.

Van sucked in his breath sharply and stopped. How did one answer a question like that? After a long pause he said, "Probably for the same reasons why I love you. Because I do."

____________________

Hitomi sat by the lake, the water was clear and shining in the hot sun. She picked at the blades of grass around her and mumbled to Sylyph, the beautiful mermaid, about her problems. Sylyph contradicted her every argument by bringing up the fact that Hitomi loved Van. Nothing could change that.

Hitomi could feel the touch of his hand, but it was only the grass as it grazed her palm. Something indefinable had left her life but she knew that it had to do with Van. She had lost his friendship, his helpful hand. Her heart would not stop its incessant, regretful aching. All the conversations she had with him replayed in her mind like a throbbing wound that wouldn't calm. The memories with him sustained her in her loneliness and, though she would have liked to be with him and speak with him again, she was not prepared for the commitment that loving him outright would bring. Her dreams would disappear if she married him—all her ideas about accomplishment and happiness would be destroyed.

Life was not as she imagined it would be. It was _real_. And not nearly as perfect as she imagined it being. If only things could be as the heart imagined! If only the imagined feelings and actions were real, none of this would have happened!

But then, Van's heart would still be broken; her own still black and unfeeling.

At times like these, Hitomi felt it best to clear her mind and stretch her long limbs. Run. Run. Running was all she seemed to be doing these days—except for studying, that is. She took her starting position near the edge of the lake, Sylyph calling out as the 'go' signal. Flying off of the ground, Hitomi sprinted forward, her legs pumping. Her thighs were firm and the muscles were twisting with each stride. Hitomi made her way past the castle and out toward the fields beyond. Little did she know that someone was watching her from a distant tree.

Van was lounging around with a piece of straw in his mouth, a comfortable tree branch as his seat. He waited out the heat of the day under the shade of the leaves until he saw a lone figure running through the fields. He immediately knew that it was Hitomi by the way her toffee-colored hair flitted about in the breeze. Her long legs moved in a perfect rhythm, her arms swinging alongside of her. Her body seemed to glimmer in the sunlight, setting his heart beating at a wild pace. Hitomi's posture was more perfect than his could ever be. But at least he allowed himself some room to relax in his running, not to mention his life.

Hitomi knew she shouldn't have started running without warming up or stretching. In a moment or two her lungs were going to burst if she didn't slow down or stop. As she reached the giant tree where Van was seated away up in the branches, she flung out a hand to stop herself from immediately collapsing. Hitomi panted and sweated her way into a semi-relaxed state, slumping down to rest at the roots of the tree.

Hitomi picked at the leaves of the ivy that clung as if their lives depended on the charity of the great tree. Their deep green reminded her of the tranquility of a glen on her home property, their veins the deep resentment and fear that ran rampant in her family. Her family was never very family-like. That was why she loved Van's parents; they were loving and understanding, and very supportive. Her own parents were distant and unhappy. Nothing was ever good enough for them. After about twenty minutes Hitomi saw another figure ambling through the fields toward the tree; it was Yukari.

"Well, hello Little-Miss-Elusive," Yukari greeted her. "Whatcha doing out here?"

"Contemplating taking a nap," she smiled. "This heat would make a watchman sleepy."

They continued chatting for a few minutes until the conversation took a turn in a decidedly private direction. Van had no way of escaping without being detected, so he continued to sit on his branch, waiting until they left and not really trying _not_ to listen.

"You and Amano are going to be really happy, Yukari. I'm really happy for you," Hitomi said honestly.

"Thank you," Yukari blushed, looking at the greening grass before them. "I can only wish that you will be as happy one day."

"Maybe I will be. But I have things to do before I can think about my own happiness," she revealed.

"What's more important than your own happiness?"

"Someone else's."

"Well it's not Van's," Yukari said pointedly. "You've been torturing that poor boy for too long. Why are you doing this to him? Why are you doing this to yourself? You _know_ that you love him."

"…I'm not saying I don't," she said after a pause. "And I didn't mean to hurt him. I don't mean to hurt him. I just have things to do before I tie myself down for the rest of my life. Van probably won't want me anywhere near him by then." Van's heart twisted with hope at her wistful, angst-ridden tone.

"Being married doesn't mean that you're tied down. You have plenty of time to do the things you want before Van must take the throne. You know, you're being a bit selfish, Hitomi," Yukari said, her tone now stiff instead of her usual gentle guidance.

"We're not children anymore, Yukari," Hitomi said, her tone becoming more resentful of their argument. "I know what I'm doing. Van's not a little boy either. He's a grown man and can make his own decisions. If I am so unfortunate as to no longer be a part of his life, then so be it. It will be my own fault and no one else's."

"You're wrong, Hitomi," Yukari said standing, her hands on her hips. "You _don't_ know what you're doing. You're shutting out the most important people in your life without a second glance. Everyone has spent the better part of their evenings trying to figure out what is wrong with you when they should be worrying about themselves. We care so much about you that we've given you every benefit of the doubt and every moment to yourself. You've been a complete recluse this year and it's driving Millerna and me crazy! We feel more like your babysitters!

"Sometimes I think you believe yourself to be better than us. Well let me tell you something, Hitomi: We're more than good enough for you! Van has been going mad thinking he's not what you need. _Look_ at him, Hitomi! _Look_ at what you're doing! You're not a _friend_, Hitomi; you're a robot," she cried and then stalked furiously away, the tall grasses parting until she passed long out of sight.

"I know," Hitomi whispered to the leaves, the tears leaking out of her eyes. "I'm sorry." She laid her head on her arms and stared off into the graying sky beyond the hill, wishing that she was there instead of reality.

Van knew that Yukari was just talking to a brick wall. Hitomi already knew all of those things. What puzzled him most was how she could know what she was doing and not change. She may be stubborn, but Hitomi knew when she was wrong.

A strangled cry drew his attention back to the figure on the ground below him. She was crying bitterly into her hands. Her entire body was heaving with heartache and stress. Her tiny sobs pulled at his heart. He wanted desperately to climb down, take her into his arms and push her tears away! What would be wrong with that? Oh yeah. She had rejected his promise of undying love. But not his friendship…

Van slid down from his perch as the wind began picking up and the rain began trickling down around him. Hitomi didn't seem to notice. He stood just to her left, watching her as she let her soul pour into the soil beneath her. Taking a step forward, he reached out a hand and put it firmly on her shoulder. She hiccupped but continued to cry. She knew it was him.

"Why can't anyone just understand," she wailed. "I shouldn't even be here! I'm not doing any good. I'm just hurting people left and right, myself included. It's all _his_ fault! I'm never good enough for him…never!"

Van sat down beside her and pulled her close to him, never saying a word. He stroked her hair and rubbed her back soothingly until her sobs subsided. Hitomi was clutching her arms, completely off balance. She tried to stand but felt Van's firm grip pull her back down beside him. It was a few moments before she felt comfortable in his embrace, but she eventually drifted off into a peaceful, calm, sense of tranquility. She stared blankly into what seemed like space, but only felt the all-encompassing embrace of Van's arms.

Poor Hitomi wanted to give up. She wanted to be left alone in her misery and stop causing trouble. But Van thought that what she really needed was someone to be beside her no matter what, to show her love and encouragement without hesitation. Poor, lonely, scared Hitomi. She just couldn't seem to understand that he was _right there_.

___________________________

The final match between Atlantis and Alsiedes took place on the rainiest day of the season. Atlantis had been assured victory before they knew about the weather, but the rain made their home-advantage less certain. The three-quarters of the game went by too smoothly for Hitomi's liking until a screaming freshman named Merle continued to distract her. She simply would _not_ stop calling out Van's name and cheering him on in the most obnoxious way possible. It wasn't that Hitomi was jealous or anything, but she really wanted to watch the game without that kind of distraction. Eventually the rest of the section felt the same way and Merle's enthusiasm for her groupie-crush was squashed by loud, rather rude shouts in her direction.

Five more minutes went by with exchanges being made and teammates getting kicked out for unnecessary rough behavior. Hitomi was never more entertained when Dryden's long hair, tied in a wavy cord, was yanked by an Alsiedes team member who was then properly slammed in the face by Dryden's fist. Both were given the card and made to watch as their teammates duked out the final minutes of the game.

Hitomi was well aware that Van's entire fan-club was glaring at her through their umbrellas and coats, each wishing that Hitomi would go drown herself in the lake. They didn't know about Sylyph, who was practically Hitomi's new best friend. Each member of the football team had their fans, but none as voracious as Van's. Most of the girls were freshmen, but there were still some extremely immature upperclassmen who wouldn't give up their fantasies about Van. They would dress differently when they knew he would be around, and they would throw themselves in his path just so he would talk to them. Van never cared for this kind of behavior, but he was generous with them all the same. Hitomi didn't want to think that she was still in any way in Van's favor but she knew that he cared about her, and that was enough to make her feel special.

Hitomi's thoughts were interrupted by the entire stadium leaping out of their seats and cheering as Van maneuvered his way down the field, unopposed but for the goal-keeper. Hitomi gasped and clutched her throat at what she thought she saw next. A pink light appeared to glow from Van's chest as he sloshed through the mud and rain. As he pushed forward the last few feet, Van's concentration became even steadier, his brow wrinkled in his attempt to control the ball. Then suddenly, he stopped. Two feet outside the goal lines, the ball was stationary at his feet. The clock was ticking out the final seconds. The pendant around his neck emitted a fierce glow. He paused but a moment in order to size-up the goal-keep and swung, his powerful leg giving the ball the momentum it needed to curve past the goalie's fingertips and in between the double-posts.

Van was swarmed by his teammates on the field, mud flying in every direction. His goal had put them over the edge—the winning point! The entire stadium was screaming and congratulating each other. Another successful, undefeated season! The pub would be full all night, and no one would be getting any sleep. The entire school was at a fever's-pitch. They had won the entire season and their formal dance was the following night. What a week!

Hitomi rushed down the aisles of the stands, pushing past her rowdy classmates, and leaned over the bar. Van had her pendant! He was wearing her pendant! Van pried himself away from his teammates and jogged over to her, wiping bits of mud from his face but smearing it instead. He was grinning from ear-to-ear as he gazed eagerly at her. He unfastened the pendant and placed it in her outstretched hand.

"Where did you get that," Hitomi shouted over the rain that lashed her hair around her face and enthusiastic students clapping Van on the back in congratulation.

"It fell out of your pocket and into the lake the other day. Sylyph was good enough to retrieve it for me." Van flashed a wet, winning smile that would make any girl's heart quiver and her knees weak. Then he turned and rejoined his team to thank Alsiedes for a well-matched game.

Hitomi watched him go and almost wished that she was his date to the formal the following night. But Dryden had asked her to go, stating that Millerna would be better off with a break from him. He wouldn't say who Millerna was going with.

____________________

It had taken her an hour to get ready for the dance, her emerald dress reflecting her bright eyes. Her hair wasn't ever easy to deal with but tonight it lay in a decent pouf on her head, gleaming in the light of the hall. Dryden complimented her so much during the evening that she was beginning to wonder whether or not he and Millerna had had a fight. If they had, they were doing an exemplary job hiding it.

Dryden was a wonderful date. He whirled her around the floor with ease and kept her laughing throughout the night. Hitomi should have known that Dryden and Millerna wouldn't be separated for long, though—it was all a scheme to get Van and herself together that evening. As the formal drew to an end and people began sneaking off to bed, Dryden and Millerna maneuvered their partners ever closer to each other. When there was practically no room between the two they were "forced" to cut in on each other's partners. Dryden cackled madly as he pulled Millerna across the floor and into a dark corner to observe from the shadows.

Hitomi stood quite still. She was watching Van but she didn't expect anything. Van quietly reached out and took Hitomi by the waist and placed his hand in hers. A jolt of deep emotion ran through Hitomi's gut at their touch, something she didn't quite know how to put into words at that moment. She only knew that she didn't want to be separated from him any more.

They moved silently around the darkened room, the music having no impact on their destination. The lights changed from a frosty white to a deep red that flooded the room and bathed the moving figures in almost menacing shadows. Hitomi's cheek was near to Van's but neither spoke. Her eyes were hazy and not concentrating on the moment. Van's own eyes were avoiding everyone else's in the room so he was forced to stare blankly into Hitomi's hair. As the wistful melody was coming to its end and people were bunching up around them, Van could feel Hitomi give an aching sigh, one that caused him to look into her unseeing eyes.

They were watery and sad, unfeeling but aching just the same. Something very wrong was festering behind her masked existence and she wouldn't tell him. Hitomi was upset, and what made him feel even worse was that she was also unhappy. Nothing seemed to be going right with her. She wasn't paying attention to anything around her. Life was gliding by her as if she had no role to play. He had never really understood. All the 'A's' in the world couldn't replace what she really needed. No one had seen what she really wanted—he still didn't have all the pieces to the puzzle. But it was obvious that he wasn't giving it to her.

As the last four measures of the song were strung out by the stinging bow of a violin, Van leaned down and brushed her cheek with his lips. _Everything will be alright. Whatever it is…I'm here._

Hitomi nearly choked on her little supply of air as he kissed her. The slight pressure on her face was almost overwhelming. She stopped breathing in her shock and things started to get cloudy—all the people around her were pressing in and pulling her away from Van with their massive tide. Hitomi almost called out to him but he disappeared in the throng in front of her, his piercing eyes having never left her face. All she had to do was say the word and he would never leave her side again.

_________________

The week prior to graduation flew by all too quickly, Hitomi not once having seen or said a word to Van. Things had been so hectic that she just hadn't had a chance. Before she knew it, her last exam was finished and the graduation ceremony looming. It wasn't really the ceremony that she cared about—she wanted her father to be present and acknowledge her accomplishments.

He came. But it wasn't at all the way she had imagined it. He wasn't an affectionate man by any stretch of the imagination but she had at least expected a quick embrace from him. Nothing.

He stood watching her with hard eyes that masked his inner confusion. He had never been any good at understanding women, especially his daughter. When she was a little girl he would give her everything she asked for simply because it was easier than having to explain "no". As she got older and asked for fewer material goods and more things he wasn't willing to give, he began to hide from her as much as possible. It was the ultimate cop-out and a completely heartless effort to shut out something he didn't understand. And now Hitomi was doing the same thing it appeared, from what her mother had mentioned after Hitomi had returned for her final semester.

He wanted desperately to tell her to open her heart, even if he could not. Something was preventing him from showing her how much he did love her. How could he not? She was his flesh and bone, his ultimate work of art! Instead of an embrace that would melt him into a weeping pile of matter, he chose to grasp her hand and give it a trembling shake.

Hitomi gave her father a small, watery smile, and then turned to lead them to their seats for the ceremony.

Every success he could have wished for his daughter was conferred upon her in one glorious moment. As Hitomi stretched out her hand to receive her diploma, her many-colored tassels jangling on her gown, her father's heart swelled with pride and regret. Regret… But now was not the time, he chided. Hitomi's triumph was something wonderful to celebrate!

____________________

Van had met Hitomi's family only once before graduation—their first year at university, in fact. There was something missing in their greeting that he hadn't been able to name until that moment. They weren't comfortable being a part of the world. Introverts all, they kept to themselves and expected others to do the same. Van was glad to know that Hitomi could bring herself out of that environment and become who she wanted to be, but, still it was sad.

Hitomi stood a little way off waiting for her friends to rejoin her. She desperately wanted to congratulate Van on his success, but she couldn't pluck up the courage to see him. She felt so ashamed.

Van glanced at her sorrowfully across the crowd. Hitomi'sHer hands clutched at her bag in front of her and her face was directed toward the ground. She was in a group of her closest friends, all smiling and happily planning their summer vacations. Hitomi wasn't paying any attention though; she was eying the dirt and gravel at her feet. Van broke away from a conversation he wasn't paying attention to and made his way over to her. She looked around nervously as the crowd around her dispersed, noticing as Van came forward.

"Hi."

"Hi." Hitomi flicked the dirt with the toe of her shoe.

"Come with me," Van demanded kindly, taking her hand and pulling her along the well-known halls of their past four years and up to the nearly-empty dorm she had occupied for those four long years. Hitomi's bed was still made and her desk cluttered. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow afternoon."

"What are you going to do?"

"I've accepted the position of executive lab assistant at the Zaibach Research Lab for Historical Documentation."

"What?," he teased.

"It means I'll be doing research all day on the downfall of Atlantis; their government structure, societal standing in Gaea, etc. I may even be going to visit the best-case site for their settlement to do some digging around."

"I get it, I get it," he chuckled.

"You," she asked, daring to look into his eyes.

Van turned from her and looked out the window. He could see the multitude of carriages lined up outside like ants and their respective owners like gnats. "I'll be going home, learning how to run my country. In more detail than I've already been instructed, of course. After I've completed those studies I'll be put in charge of the military as the second in command."

"What will you be doing every day?"

"Training my men and myself in combat tactics and strategy." Van looked bored, though there was a glint of pride and excitement lurking in the depths of his eyes.

"Look, Van…" Hitomi sighed heavily and clicked her tongue. "I'm sorry about my attitude this last year. I—" She figured that if she was going to come clean about her actions she'd better come clean about everything. She sat down on her bed, her hands folded in her lap. "I've been pressuring myself this last year more than ever to get the best starting position possible in my field of work. I've been doing this almost since my inception at university."

"I know. Why?" He sat down beside her and listened, knowing that pain was coming.

"My father …my father wanted me to basically be a man with boobs. The highest rank and honor available were the only options for him where I was concerned. I knew that if I wanted to earn my father's respect and …love, I would have to obtain these through hard work and perseverance. Long nights, perfect grades, going beyond the required course work. These were all the things I needed to do in order to reach these goals.

"After our first year I realized that all the work I had done wasn't enough. I wasn't taking advantage of the immense amount of knowledge available within these walls. That summer I spent with you in Fanelia was my last moment attempting to be free of all constraints. I enjoyed every minute of it. I've cherished those memories. The second year was good; it made me feel accomplished. I had earned perfect marks and done some outside research. But after your brother died I knew that you had enough on your mind and decided to strike out on my own. I knew that I shouldn't be bothering you with my trivial matters. I started distancing myself then. I didn't know it would be so unbearable." Here, her voice broke.

"Last year. Third year was when I stopped believing in anything that I was doing. My father basically told me throughout the first term that I wasn't doing enough to make my place in the world. He told me that no woman could ever make him proud. His expectations for me were still high, but he _expected_ me to fail. He never …he never saw me as a human being. He still doesn't. It would have been better to him had I not existed. One less person to concern himself with." She paused a moment to ponder this last, painful thought. "But I still thought I could change that in him," Hitomi continued strongly. "I still thought that if I did enough work he would respect me and take me seriously as a person. But more then that," she choked out, a tear falling down her cheek, "I thought I could make him love me through my achievements. I was working for _his_ goals and not my own. … It was the worst moment of my life, realizing that I had no control.

"I thought that I had no way out. I had been slowly destroying my entire existence by working toward an ultimately destructive goal. I thought that his way was the only way out of my situation. So what if I had a career in something I hated? So what if I succeeded in his goals for me for the rest of my life? At least I'd be successful. I'd have abandoned my friends and turned my back on living but at least I could pay the rent.

"But when I …lost you…to my own stupidity and yearning to please someone else, I realized that I had lost the most important person in my life. My father may never love me," she whispered, the deep pain evident in her voice. "My father may never take any notice of my successes, but I realized that _you_ would. You _did_." Her eyes were cast downward. "I don't expect you to forgive me for…breaking your heart, but I would ask that you forgive me for not confiding in you when I knew that you cared about me; when I had the chance. I'm sorry that I've been so stupid and selfish." She was silent.

Van sat staring, emotionally drained upon hearing her confession. He was astonished at the amount of stamina and restraint she had shown to him and all of her friends. Clearly, this was a woman in his midst. Instead of thinking about her own happiness and wellbeing, she had been concerning herself with other peoples' issues. It had taken its toll on her spirit and left her desert-dry. What he wouldn't give to uplift her spirit! The covers of her bed rustled as he moved to sit closer to her. Van's hand flickered gently through her soft strands of hair, the light reflecting off of the golden hues making her glow.

"Hitomi," he said evenly, though his heart shook. "Hitomi. Even if you threw everything away this moment and vowed never to return to it…I would still be proud of you. Prouder than you can ever imagine."

As Hitomi's tears streamed down her cheeks, her face in her hands, she realized that Van's respect and love mattered more to her than anything else in the world. She _would_ give up everything she had worked so hard for in order to make him happy, in order to make herself happy in return. By loving him she was making herself happy. She hadn't known that feeling for so long that it made her feel raw and exposed in her happiness. Her father and his expectations no longer had a hold on her. That life was behind her from this moment on. All that mattered was that she begin participating in _living_ again. Only through living could one be truly happy. And by living she would love someone who loved her in return.

"I've missed you, Van."

Van's arm slid tentatively around her waist, the fabric of her dress shifting in the silence. Hitomi's breath hitched. He was very close to her now, his nose only an inch away from hers. His other hand seemed to place itself on the other side of her waist of its own accord. A quick fluttering rose in her stomach. Hitomi finally exhaled, her breath tickling every inch of him. The air around them seemed electric with resistance. Van reached up to softly run his fingers over her pink lips. He leaned in confidently and kissed her, caressing her full lips with his own. The liquid fire spreading throughout his body steadily compelled him to pour all of his emotions into the kiss. His desire, his longing, his compassion, and his love were all communicated with this simple gesture. _How_ he loved her! Hitomi moved her mouth as if in response to his very thought and she deepened the kiss, her breath escaping through the corners of her smile.

Hitomi opened her mouth with Van's gentle prodding; her insides squirmed with pleasure and anticipation. Van's tongue lapped the roof of her mouth then let it do what it pleased; his brain was no longer in control. The dragon inside of him roared his approval and sent out a conquering flame to encourage him. He moved boldly to trace every vertebra beneath her blouse, a tingling sensation engulfing them both. Caressing her sides and pressing their bodies together, he could feel her shiver—it sent a peaked thrill through his gut. He kissed her now-exposed neck, its freckles one and all. He reveled in the sensation of her rapid pulse against his lips, nearly drunk with elation. His soft lips moved lower, branding a kiss over her heart.

She breathed out shakily, her very soul on the wind of breath. Moving her trembling hands up his torso, she placed them firmly on his face, forcing herself to focus her eyes on his own smoky garnet ones. She felt dizzy, almost sick with the knowledge that they were finally together, alone and without any distractions until tomorrow. They were free.

Van's passion for her would never subside but he had to think about their situation. _Think_ being the key word, and one that was hard to do with someone like Hitomi temptingly within his reach. He cleared his throat, taking her hands in his and squeezing them, reassuring her that she was not being rejected.

"Hitomi, I need to say something."

Hitomi looked directly into his eyes and tried to calm her frantic pulse. The knot in her stomach would not untangle, its power still clutching her, its victim.

"I can't honestly say that I don't desire you with every breath I take," he said, swallowing hard. His body was responding in a way that was hard to deny his desire, but he couldn't take advantage of the situation. "But I can't do this to you now without causing both of us pain." He brushed her hair away from her face, the gentle touch reigniting a fire in him. He _must_ control himself. "Please understand what I mean."

"I do, Van. I do," she almost panted. Her face scrunched up with an inner dilemma, her heat continued thrashing. "But you're so hard to resist. I wish you'd just go away if you're going to do this to me," she whimpered as she played with his hair, _mostly_ wishing he wouldn't.

"I know," came his strained whisper. He leaned his forehead on hers, their eyes closed. "I know."

When she spoke again long moments later, it was in a whisper. "You'll be my strength, Van."

"And you'll be mine," he said, smiling and stroking her cheek. "I'm so proud of you, Hitomi. If no one else knows, I do." Van nuzzled her neck with his lips. "Hitomi, I want to prove to you how much I love you by letting you do what you want. If it takes you years to feel accomplished in your career then I'll wait. … I'll wait for you."

An overwhelming feeling of security and love washed over her heart. She had found home… where she belonged. Love was the greatest dream in the world. Her dreams had come true at last. "Thank you, Van."

"I want you to be sure of yourself and the knowledge that you've done some good in the world. But," here he looked into her eyes, "you've already made me indescribably happy. I think that's good enough."

Hitomi buried her face in the crook of his neck, wanting nothing more than to be as near to him as possible.

"Hitomi," he moved, slipping off of the bed and kneeling in front of her. "Hitomi, will you promise me that some day you'll be my wife and spend the rest of your days with me?" Van nearly burst with happiness at the mention of _wife_.

"Yes," Hitomi answered hoarsely, grinning from ear to ear despite her tears.

Van landed in heaven at that moment, his wings never failing. Hitomi was by his side and he could ask for nothing more. The silly grin plastered on his face only made her shine brighter. "As long as I know you are mine then I won't mind waiting so long; I've waited four years. Our work will keep us busy enough in any case. Can I ask you a favor though?"

"What is it?"

"May we keep this a secret from everyone? Especially my parents? I'd like to let them know when the time gets closer." Van had a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. He had a plan to keep his parents on their toes and then they'd never know what hit them.

"Have a trick up your sleeve, do you," she teased. Hitomi thought it would be delicious to keep such a secret and perfectly romantic to share their feelings for a while between themselves. There would be pain every day, knowing that they had to wait just a little longer for the future to come. But the pain would be bittersweet. Just the thought of being married to Van made her giggle giddily.

"What's so funny," he asked, leaning over her as she flopped back onto the bed and grinned.

"Nothing," she laughed, tracing his jaw with her finger. "I'm just really …content," she sighed.


	2. Epilogue One

Epilogue: Part One

"Dryden was right—I should have shown you my muscles a long time ago," Van teased as he slid, shirtless, into the clear pond of water.

Hitomi's red face betrayed her feelings but she laughed in spite of herself. "Oh he did, did he? I hope he didn't mention anything about _my_ muscles. I did beat you here, after all."

"Are you going to get in," Van grumbled, lightly splashing her.

Hitomi laughed again and slid into the tranquil water of the forest pool, the train of her light, blue dress floating just behind her. "What did you say to your parents?"

"I said we'd be taking a trip to Palas for the week. They have _no_ idea that we're backpacking our way there."

"Do they suspect anything else," she asked slyly, inching her way closer to him.

"They want to. All they really know is that we're close friends again. They've known all along how I feel about you. They adore you, Hitomi. You'll have the easiest mother-in-law to get along with in the history of mankind, that's for sure."

Hitomi laughed. She was filled with warmth at the thought that his parents loved her; she was comfortable with the idea of being a part of their family tree. They were loving and open. Perhaps she could bring them some joy after all of these years of pain and uncertainty. A feeling of anticipated fulfillment welled up in her as a new goal brimmed on her horizon.

They had been overjoyed to see her again when she came to meet Van. Varie made no effort to conceal her wish for their marriage to take place soon. Goau even went so far as to intimate that if an heir appeared before an official ceremony occurred, he wouldn't say boo. Van, utterly embarrassed, laughed and said that his parents were too young to be grandparents.

"I'll be really excited to see Millerna and Dryden again. I haven't seen them in over a year. Am I correct in discerning that he's going to propose to her soon?" Hitomi was floating peacefully beside him, the cool water sliding between her toes with the sand.

Van looked uncomfortable. "…Well, yes, but you can't tell Millerna," he rushed. "I don't want him to think I tell you everything."

"You don't," she said, feigning offense.

"Not on purpose."

"I think Millerna wanted to wait until Eris was married anyway. Allen will make a good father when the time comes. I just hope he can be content with his position."

"Head of the Knights Caeli? That's trouble enough without adding a wife into the mix. Not that a wife is trouble or anything like that," he backtracked, seeing Hitomi's arched brow.

"You really need to stop talking, dear," she drawled, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"A better idea all together," he agreed, pulling her to him and kissing her deeply.

"Well who's going to be my maid of honor," she demanded, breaking their kiss. "Everyone's getting married before me."

"_You_ wanted to wait…"

Hitomi huffed and lightly kissed him again, tickling his ribs and sloshing through the water before he could get back at her. She leapt onto the soft grass and ran lightly through the length of trees back to their campsite, collapsing on their picnic blanket with Van not far behind her. He leaned over her and laughed as beads of water dripped onto her face.

Panting, he said, "I thought the swim was supposed to cool us down. We'll just have to go back in. You're definitely making me warmer than the weather…" Van whispered this last bit, tickling her ear and making her shiver. He fiddled with the straps of her dress and admired her shining skin.

"None of that now, none of that," a familiar voice chided teasingly.

"What in _hell_ are you doing here, Dryden," Hitomi cried, bolting upward and nearly knocking heads with Van in her excitement. "You were supposed to meet us tomorrow."

"Well we couldn't really wait. It's been so long and the more time together the better," Millerna said, dropping her backpack and sitting down.

Dryden followed suit and pulled out one of his wicked smiles. "So what were you two doing before we unceremoniously popped in, eh?"

"Not that it's any of your business, _Dryden_," Van said sarcastically, "But we just came back from a swim."

"Care to join us for lunch," Hitomi queried sweetly, pulling bits of the meal out of the basket.

"Sure. We'll just add our bit to yours. And Dilandau will thoroughly char a field hen or two when he and Serena get here…any minute now."

"What, is _everyone_ showing up?"

"Well you said you wanted a reunion so we got everyone together and planned a backpacking trip to Mt. Panadera."

"I guess wedding receptions weren't enough of a reunion, Van," Hitomi rolled her eyes.

"So… why the two tents, Van," Dryden pried, wiggling his eyebrows.

Van merely glared.

Serena, Dilandau, Allen, Yukari, Amano, and Eris joined the group within the hour and they wiled away the remaining hours of daylight in reminiscences. Camp was made a little before sunset and they gathered around the warmth of the firelight.

Hitomi looked lovingly around the fire at her closest friends. It was two years since they had graduated, each going his own way with a partner close beside them. Allen and Eris were married and hoping for a child within the year. Yukari and Amano prospered under his father's tutelage; theirs was a comfortable, welcoming home. Serena and Dilandau continually evaded social custom by scampering about the country, spending their graduation presents with the thrift only known to widows. But they were happy and that's all that mattered.

Hitomi sometimes envied their carefree attitudes. She reacquainted herself with who she had become with Van's help and had come to understand her place in the world with a clarity not known to most young adults. But they still had a lifetime ahead of themselves.

Van's hand slid into her own in the firelight and she relished the comfort he brought her. She knew he was planning for them to slip away from their friends for a while and spend some time alone. This trip was really meant to be a vacation for just the two of them; some time alone to make plans and renew promises. Their friends were precious but they needed some time to themselves. But now was not that time—as long as they were among friends, privacy could wait until the moon was high in the night sky and the tents comfortably filled.

The backpacking trip was a complete success. Van and Hitomi often slipped away and enjoyed their time alone in the wilderness. On one particular excursion, when the moon was very bright and the wildflowers were emitting an intoxicating scent, Van asked Hitomi whether or not she was quite prepared to become his wife. Hitomi smiled contentedly and said, "Yes. I think I am, Van. And what are you going to do about it?"

"I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world, that's what."

"You already have, dearest." Hitomi cuddled close to Van. "Van?"

"Yes, Hitomi," he murmured into her lips.

"I love you, Van."


	3. Epilogue Two

Epilogue: Part Two

The spacious room was dark, though comfortably so. Not a candle was lit. The scent of cedar hung clearly about the furniture and carved ceiling. Carpeted in a rich blue, the floor added to the mysteriousness of the room in the warm darkness. A large settee leaned against the wall across from the gilded set of dressers and vanity. A tiny door led to a private bath on the left side of the room while a small desk loaded with stationary rested on the right side. A round table and chairs stood in the corner of the room, diagonal from the king-size bed that was occupied by a pair of glistening, satisfied bodies.

As their breathing slowed and their movements were limited to gentle caressing, Van mentioned offhand, "We must be flying over the Crulos mountains by now. Tomorrow we'll be landing in Zaibach. Would you enjoy a tour around their world-famous candy factory?"

"Aren't you afraid that your new wife will lose her girlish figure?"

"Nah—she can work it off later with a good wrestling match," Van teased, lightly nibbling at her ear.

Hitomi giggled and laced her fingers in his, pressing her body into his warmth. All the candy in the world could never be as sweet as the short amount time she had already spent with Van as husband and wife.

_The wedding in Fanelia had gone off without a hitch. Hitomi did without a bridesmaid and opted for four very young, giggly matrons of honor; two of them had very swollen bellies. Van's parents had lovingly accepted her into their family and as the future queen. The reception was held in the ballroom for well over a thousand guests. Heads of state, ambassadors, family, and close friends all had to be accommodated for. The wedding decorations were combined with traditional Fanelian colors and symbols. At every table was a centerpiece, fashioned from slow-melting ice in the shape of the land dragons which lived in the western forests and had been protectors of Fanelia since the nation's mythological beginnings._

_After so many congratulatory remarks from people she had never met and some she never wished to meet again, Hitomi quietly suggested that they stretch their legs. _

_Van had been whirling a radiant Hitomi around the stately ballroom, oblivious to everything but his bride in white. Her gown was tasteful and classic, with just enough silk to be fashionable and enough lace to satisfy the more traditional crowd. It was backless except for two crisscrossed ribbons of the Fanelian royal colors. Van didn't really care what she wore as long as he could easily get her to remove it later. _

_What a shock it was when Hitomi's father handed her a large envelope near the end of the reception. He had pulled the blissful couple aside and presented them with his wedding gift. Van nudged her and she tentatively opened the manila envelope. Pulling out a few papers, brochures, and tickets, Hitomi gasped and almost dropped them when she realized what they were for. Her father had presented them with a full trip around Gaea on the exclusive, luxury vessel, _Crusade_! How _much_ this must have cost him!_

_Van had been approached early on by his soon-to-be father-in-law as soon as their engagement became public. Van enthusiastically accepted her father's gift and intended to put it to use immediately as their wedding tour. Precisely what her father had wished. _

_Hitomi rushed forward, flinging herself into her father's chest and embracing him with every ounce of strength in her body. A moment later she felt his arms tentatively encircle her and hold her close. _

"_Thank you, daddy," Hitomi whispered, the long-held feelings of resentment and inadequacy washing away in his embrace._

"_I love you, Hitomi," he croaked out hoarsely. "If I never said it before, I'm saying it now."_

_Hitomi knew that he meant what he said. It had taken him nearly a quarter of a century to get up the courage, but at last she had heard it from his own lips. "I love you, too." This trip had been a dream of theirs for so many years, and now it was finally coming true! And her father was the one to make it possible._

Hitomi sighed contentedly, stretching her bare arms above her head on the now-rumpled pillow. She settled comfortably into the sheets and felt her eyes becoming droopy. She noted the clothing scattered across the carpet leading up to the bed and made a note to dress lightly the next evening.

Van splayed a large hand lovingly across her lower belly and kissed her deeply, dreaming that his father's wish for them had somehow already come true.

"You see that star, there, Hitomi," he leaned on his elbow with a grunt alongside of her and pointed out the nearby window. The curtains were looped on the hooks on the wall leaving a clear view out of the balcony. Why there was a balcony on a cruise air-ship was beyond him, but it was romantic so who was he to complain. Torches blinked lazily at them from the floors below.

"Which one?"

"The one laughing at you."

"I think you're the only one laughing at me, Van."

Van chuckled merrily, much to the amusement of both. And kissing her again, Van admitted, "You're right. I am laughing at you. We can forget about that star for now."

Hitomi knew why. She felt so silly, but at least she felt silly along with of Van. She had found a place where she felt entirely comfortable. She could feel his eyes darkening into the rich wine color she had come to know well over the last couple of days. The air around her became warmer and crackled with passion. His mouth crinkled into a grin before he began his not-so-subtle teasing of her flesh.

"I'm glad you found me worthy of exploring," Van said with more than a hint of humor.

"We have a lifetime to explore every part of each other," Hitomi said confidently.

"I say, let's start now."

"Van," Hitomi began, distracted by his wandering hands.

"Yes, dear wife," he murmured into her throat.

"Thank you for saving me."

…

"I love you."

Author's Notes: This story is dedicated to those who think they have no hope. To those who find no meaning in life any more. To those who feel that they have lost themselves. It is a story for those in need of hope and encouragement. You are not alone.

Over the last year and a half I have struggled with depression. I was never clinically diagnosed, but after I told myself that I no longer had a soul or deep, true feelings, I realized that I was indeed severely depressed. At this moment, I am still waiting for that one moment, that one reachable goal to bring me back into the world of light. I want to stress that I love living. I love the idea of my future and the future of those around me. I am a naturally happy person. I have come out of my funk somewhat, but now that I've completed my undergraduate degrees, I'm just looking forward to taking some time off and re-assessing my goals. Things will only get better. Every day is a blessing. As long as I don't miss half of it by waking up at an indecent hour…

I began writing this story as an Escaflowne-college thing, with Hitomi dealing with over-achievement issues. I had absolutely _no_ idea where it was going to go. I only had the first scene replaying over and over in my head for hours like an everlasting gobstopper to cheer me up. It rapidly became clear to me that, after writing nearly the same amount of words in less than a week as oppose to a story I have been working on for over three years, that I was not merely writing a fanfiction. I have been writing about me. I have been writing about some of my feelings, or lack thereof. I have been working towards what writing is truly about—discovery of self and the sharing those revelations with others so that they may, too be inspired.

I'm always here for anyone who needs to talk. Just thought that I'd extend that invitation.

May God bless all of you and touch your lives with His consolation and never-ending love.

Smiles with love and hope,

Egyptian Princess


End file.
